Undateable

I dropped by the bookstore yesterday to grab a couple of magazines and as usual, took a stroll down most of the aisles. LFG’s mother used to physically block me from entering used bookstores when we were on vacation or at home for that matter. I can burn an hour or two in a bookstore effortlessly.

So I’m standing in aisle whatever when I spot this book. Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex. And I read this thing cover to cover, laughing with every turn of the page. The Security Man came over to see what was up. Now I admit openly and without shame that I’ve become more intriguing and desirable by attrition …ergo…default. I’m reminded of one of my clients whose company is in such turmoil that every day brings another flurry of firings and resignations. He recently said “Damn ADG, I’ll become a V.P. by default if I just hang around here long enough”. Hell of a way to win the prize…but I’ll take it. The more guys manifest the absurdities highlighted in this book, the better, even with my fuzzy-dicey-isms, I look.

The two gals who wrote this book are mercenary; take no prisoners, purveyors of the truth. Women who’ve been on dreadful first dates or have navigated through an evening…a social or business function of import with a bad date, tend to speak an unvarnished tongue. That would be Ms. Rakieten and Ms. Coyle. These women speak the truth. And they speak it with such unimpeachable authority that it must come from experience.

Now the authors are not so strident as to dismiss all violators with an inflexible code...regardless of the violation. They weigh the infractions with what I think, is a scale of fairness and objectivity. Some violations can be quickly corrected and others are unequivocal deal breakers from the get-go. Here is their scale...

And here are some of my favorites....

"I can't wait to get home and rip that Met Life shirt off of you"... riveting. I remember guys...usually a Pledge who didn't know any better...who would show up at the K.A. house and walk to the shower in a pair of white grippies. It would become a walk of shame never to be forgotten. By nightfall, they would have five pairs of boxer shorts-this is the truth. The authors offer no second chance for this infraction and the following picture is all the evidence they need....

Somebody just shoot this boy and get him out of all our collective misery...please.

Rolled up jeans...."Who are you...Sandra Freakin' Dee?" I think I howled loud enough at this one to warrant the rental cop coming over to see if all was ok with me and aisle seven. End of story.

These girls are ruthless. But they should be...guys are hard headed and sometimes it takes being called a _ussy to get their attention. LFG's mom called me that one night when I wouldn't run a red light on the way home...she had to pee. One of my surrogate fathers...KML was sitting in the front seat laughing so hard at LFG's mother's admonishment that he started slapping the dashboard in convulsions. I thought he was going to deploy the airbag. It wasn't that funny...and I wasn't wearing high waisted-robin's egg blue denims.

Pimp shoes and a waist full of electronics. I would add to this a rule about not wearing your Blue Tooth earpiece as something you put on in the morning and don't take off till bedtime. Oy.

Five gets you Ten that this cat has one of those things in his ear.

Ok, I suppose that there are folks with arthritis that warrant these shoes. And of course velcro is brilliant for toddlers. When I'm old and my fingers are gnarly...too twisted to tie shoes...I'll just wear Belgians. Shut Up.

"Nude" colored Velcro shoes...shut up. Look at the sage advice that the authors provide regarding shoes...they are spot on.

Fanny Packs...I'm not in favor of the death penalty but....

Cary Grant on short sleeve dress shirts....spot on old boy.

Cats....specially if you groom them and leave little Uggs on their leg-paws and a pom-pom on their tail. "Gotcha".

Poppa? Is that you? And finally, one that I can't agree with.....

I've been popping my collars for way too many years to let these gals get under my skin. I will though, rid my closet of any "nude" shoes.

Onward...with a tongue click...ADG...Gotcha...