Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Undateable

I dropped by the bookstore yesterday to grab a couple of magazines and as usual, took a stroll down most of the aisles. LFG’s mother used to physically block me from entering used bookstores when we were on vacation or at home for that matter. I can burn an hour or two in a bookstore effortlessly.
So I’m standing in aisle whatever when I spot this book. Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex. And I read this thing cover to cover, laughing with every turn of the page. The Security Man came over to see what was up. Now I admit openly and without shame that I’ve become more intriguing and desirable by attrition …ergo…default. I’m reminded of one of my clients whose company is in such turmoil that every day brings another flurry of firings and resignations. He recently said “Damn ADG, I’ll become a V.P. by default if I just hang around here long enough”. Hell of a way to win the prize…but I’ll take it. The more guys manifest the absurdities highlighted in this book, the better, even with my fuzzy-dicey-isms, I look.

The two gals who wrote this book are mercenary; take no prisoners, purveyors of the truth. Women who’ve been on dreadful first dates or have navigated through an evening…a social or business function of import with a bad date, tend to speak an unvarnished tongue. That would be Ms. Rakieten and Ms. Coyle. These women speak the truth. And they speak it with such unimpeachable authority that it must come from experience.

Now the authors are not so strident as to dismiss all violators with an inflexible code...regardless of the violation. They weigh the infractions with what I think, is a scale of fairness and objectivity. Some violations can be quickly corrected and others are unequivocal deal breakers from the get-go. Here is their scale...
And here are some of my favorites....
"I can't wait to get home and rip that Met Life shirt off of you"... riveting. I remember guys...usually a Pledge who didn't know any better...who would show up at the K.A. house and walk to the shower in a pair of white grippies. It would become a walk of shame never to be forgotten. By nightfall, they would have five pairs of boxer shorts-this is the truth. The authors offer no second chance for this infraction and the following picture is all the evidence they need....
Somebody just shoot this boy and get him out of all our collective misery...please.
Rolled up jeans...."Who are you...Sandra Freakin' Dee?" I think I howled loud enough at this one to warrant the rental cop coming over to see if all was ok with me and aisle seven. End of story.
These girls are ruthless. But they should be...guys are hard headed and sometimes it takes being called a _ussy to get their attention. LFG's mom called me that one night when I wouldn't run a red light on the way home...she had to pee. One of my surrogate fathers...KML was sitting in the front seat laughing so hard at LFG's mother's admonishment that he started slapping the dashboard in convulsions. I thought he was going to deploy the airbag. It wasn't that funny...and I wasn't wearing high waisted-robin's egg blue denims.
Pimp shoes and a waist full of electronics. I would add to this a rule about not wearing your Blue Tooth earpiece as something you put on in the morning and don't take off till bedtime. Oy.
Five gets you Ten that this cat has one of those things in his ear.
Ok, I suppose that there are folks with arthritis that warrant these shoes. And of course velcro is brilliant for toddlers. When I'm old and my fingers are gnarly...too twisted to tie shoes...I'll just wear Belgians. Shut Up.
"Nude" colored Velcro shoes...shut up. Look at the sage advice that the authors provide regarding shoes...they are spot on.
Fanny Packs...I'm not in favor of the death penalty but....
Cary Grant on short sleeve dress shirts....spot on old boy.
Cats....specially if you groom them and leave little Uggs on their leg-paws and a pom-pom on their tail. "Gotcha".
Poppa? Is that you? And finally, one that I can't agree with.....
I've been popping my collars for way too many years to let these gals get under my skin. I will though, rid my closet of any "nude" shoes.

Onward...with a tongue click...ADG...Gotcha...


33 comments:

Laguna Beach Trad said...

Excellent. Let's hope some of the offenders are paying attention. Now, I wonder, is there a version of this book for single guys?

Pigtown-Design said...

hysterical...

now come on up to b-more and spend some time at book thing. your head will splode! i've manage to accumulate three, count'em, three copies of diana vreeland's autobio.

Main Line Sportsman said...

Yeah...popped collars and faded jeans...what is the problem. I have many jeans ranging from dark blue to the sky blue they berate......jeans fade and take on character....they need to lighten up on that one.

ilovelimegreen said...

Did you actually photograph your favorite selections of this book WITHOUT buying it?

I have no problems with faded jeans - or popped collars for that matter - but would never date a guy who bought a dog or cat from a pet store.

First personal ads from the LRB, then this, dare I ask what tomorrow will bring?

Toad said...

This is gonna cost me a fortune to correct. If my bride doesn't see this book, must I still atone?

Anonymous said...

I must confess I'm guilty of wearing the walking shoes on occasion due to a bad orthopedic injury. Perhaps thats been my problem with the fair sex as of late. In late 2007 I was struck by a distracted driver in a bad automobile accident. My ankle is currently fused and I am able to hobble around better with them. Quite frankly ADG they are so bloody ugly that I am contemplating my doctors original position regarding a below the knee amputation. At least with a prosthetic foot I will be able to wear a loafer type shoe again. Many thanks for your blog as it is giving me ideas about rebuilding my wardrobe.

~Hilton

K.S. Anthony said...

Did you notice #99 Pant roll?

Mmmm hmmm.

Listen, how 'bout these ladies leave my rolled up pants alone and go 86 the d-bags with spiked hair and "graphic" t-shirts?

As for my collar, as anyone who's owned a Lacoste shirt will know...if you wear it as the first layer, the collar pops itself.

Unless I see a picture of these girls and their mates (if they have any), their opinions, while appreciated and perhaps sympathized/agreed with...are suspect.

James said...

Thanks for the laughs.

JDB said...

I'm in agreement with K.S. Anthony, what do the ladies look like? I generally find women who are so extreme in their dismissal of men based on a list of "don'ts" are not really prizes themselves.

And also, thank goodness I'm married.

And, since you didn't really like me calling you "cute", how about devestatingly handsome?

ADG said...

JDB...I'll take "cute" all day long...especially at this stage.

James...Indeed.

K.S. ...Funny you should mention it. One of the authors is depicted in the back of the book with her boyfriend who by the way, is one of the offenders pictured therein. They both look top notch.

Hilton....do not cut your leg off for fashion. You get a lifetime pass for all shoes velcro.

Toad...you ain't gotta atone for nothin'. Plus, I know that you are pulling our leg-butcept for the tighty whiteys.

limegreen...alas...I did not buy the book. Tomorrow? "Artistic Nudes from the Washington DC Veterans Home".

MainLiner...I agree. Except if the jeans come up to your nipples.

MegTown..."splode" I'm stealin' that one from you.

LagunaMon...stellar idea...I could write one based on the seven previous years of post marital dating.

jrp said...

Thanks for the book preview. I have trouble picturing you with your cell phone catching these pages for your blog, but more difficulty imagining your purchase of it.
I am now married to an engineer, I'm afraid that some of these features come with that territory. Other aspects do compensate for them.

Tighty whities ARE very scary. I've run across alternatives to boxers (how can you stand that much material bunched up under your trousers?!) that were extremely enticing...the best ones are found in stores in Europe.

39amber said...

my single friends and I go on match.com, not to look for dates but for "down-right pee our pants"
laughs when we look at all the ax-murders and muscle men that are out there! this books looks like the equivalent... my criteria is I don't do blue-collar... does that make me a bad person?!

Barima said...

Robert Culp in Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice - his playfully refined, Regency-inspired Mr. Fish-esque presentation falls away in the climactic scene to reveal... tighty whities. Thank God for Natalie Wood

What says the tome of beards? I'm... curious

Entertaining find,

B

ADG said...

jrp...the photo shoot was a little awkward but I prevailed...in a wobbly kinda way. God bless compensatory resources.

39amber..."snatch.com" as I call it is ripe for a serious anthropological/sociological doctoral thesis...seriously. And yes, you are a bad person.

Turling said...

Crap, there goes half my wardrobe. But, for this post, You da Man, ADG!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the pass, but it looks like it's inevitable. Just please continue to advise me on rebuilding my wardrobe.

~Hilton

CeceliaMc said...

Are they ever right about the footwear!

I'd have to add: any jewelry on a man that is worn below the waist.

Not getting anything, ever, even if you show up with a barrel of lysol and you're the last man on earth.

Patsy said...

They forgot black jeans! My (blue collar) husband owned a pair, but they were stolen in a home invasion, yeah, that's it, a home invasion.

lagunie said...

I would almost bet my last buck that the two women who supposedly wrote this book is really Laguna Beach Trad.

Anonymous English Female said...

ADG - So - if you would be so kind - give me one good reason why I should date an American ?

heavy tweed jacket said...

"I thought he was going to deploy the airbag" - had me in stitches. Funny stuff.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous English Female,
If I was a woman or a homosexual gentleman it is doubtful would date your common run-of-the-mill American Neanderthal. I would just vomit instead. I encourage all of my female friends to turn to lesbianism or quit the moronic inferno for good.

Best,
Hilton

Trevor K. Nelson said...

So if we were actually poppin' collars back in the day as one of those selfsame preppies, and therefore aren't "imitating", that would make us "genuine tools", no? Where do they fall in relation to the "fake tools?"

Summer is a Verb said...

Toolette of the highest order here...XXOO

Anonymous said...

I think I would have taken offense at being approached by the "Security Man." Perhaps, it would have depended on his approach, but these people are supposed to have profiles of the typical problem "customer," and I am confident that you do not fit it in any way. The large chain bookstores are accustomed to having the public treat their stores as libraries, and I'm sure you purchase far more than the average person.

ADG said...

Barima...funny about Robert Culp. Beards...get no positive assessment at all...in any form.

AnonRe-Security Man...call me old fashioned but I am loathe to spend the day in a bookstore and not buy anything. I'm just way too damned middle class for that. I did buy stuff on that trip...just not the undateable book.

AllieVonCollarPop...indeed.

TrevorK. ...yep. Same thing Allie said.

Damn Hilton...settle down there old boy.

AnonEng...Based on this book, you shouldn't. However, ride the Tube from from Holborn to Kensal Green...chances are you'll conclude that the London options aren't much better than the prospects here in the States.

Lagunie...nope. One of them is a hottie. She's in the back of the book.

Patsy....you DID NOT get invaded. And trust me...they devote an entire page to black jeans...I just couldn't photograph the entire book. The poor guy they depict in black jeans is a sad case...mostly because he thinks he looks great. God bless your blue collar husband.

Cecilia...jewelry below the waist? Even I'm lost on that one...and I've got a nipple ring.

njglenn said...

While channel surfing last night I stumbled upon VH1 and they have a new show based on this book. Kismet! I was able to see #40-#21 presented by B & C list comedians and entertainers.

Needless to say your commentary has been much more entertaining. But if you would like to preview it....
http://www.vh1.com/shows/undateable/series.jhtml

DAM said...

Coming from an office that wears a lot of uniforms, I appreciate that I am not alone in how aweful this stuff is when worn outside of the required uniform setting.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, it's the narcotics I'm on for pain. Looks like the author Nathaniel Philbrick that will be at Politics & Prose tonight is somewhat of a Trad.

~Hilton

Anonymous English Female said...

ADG - I don't think I've ever been to East London in my life. Still less on public transport...

ADG said...

AnonEngGirl...and if you take the Tube to Kensal Green you still haven't been to East London.

Hilton...go easy on the Schedule II stuff.

DAM...you owe me lunch.

NJglenn...thanks.

Anonymous said...

Aye,aye captain. I managed to shoehorn my gargantuan foot/ankle into a Walmart brand deck shoe today. It's tough being poor.

~Hilton

qerat said...

This is so so funny

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