Tuesday, April 5, 2011

About Your Online Dating Photos—Round Two

My motivation for round two is consistent with my initial foray into this subject. This is not a post of ridicule; it’s an effort to assist. This is a call-out for gals to either reconsider or upgrade their sieve…their vetting process for deciding what photos to include with their man seeking online profiles…or accept the onslaught of potential suitors that said photos attract. If you're lookin' for a cowboy, I reckon these hats are just the thing to rope 'em in. Long as you know that. Giddyup and then shut up.

And let me say something here and now about the middle-age dating world. It ain’t all fun and games. Life’s complexities in general and more specifically, everyone’s day-to-day responsibilities and commitments turn first date experiences...sometimes...into tedious undertakings. I’m not proud of the fact that the bar women use to define a man as being “acceptable—interesting—a good catch” seems to get incrementally lower with every birthday I have. But you can bet your sweet bippy that I’ve taken full advantage of it. I’ve been able to date way out of my league just by not having a beer belly. Shut up.
Ok, so on to the work at hand. Your profile is well written and your interests are diverse. You are an attractive gal and no doubt, have little trouble attracting potential suitors. I suppose there's a fetish out there somewhere for underarm perspiration and if that's what you are going for then please, don't cull this photo.
I'm wasting our time here. You gals who play the "schoolgirl/cheerleader" angle know exactly what you are looking for and what you're gonna get in response. And I assume that most of the respondents don't give two hoots and a damn about your apartment. But please, before you and your girlfriend/daughter pose for your Lolita coochie shot, clean your damn bedroom. Or crop your pictures. Shut up.
Guys don't care if your pictures are two years old. And certainly, that's not the reason I culled this one from the broth of visual whateverishness. I remain confounded by the implant size choice. And none of my female readers will give me a plausible answer. Why in the world would you do this to yourself? My only conclusion remains my original one. Since the price is the same, you decide to get the most of your money. I'm all for appropriate augmentation to assist one in looking and feeling better. But these things scare me. 
You are pretty, fit and it seems by your profile write-up, reasonably smart. But you are looking for what? A man? Seems to me that you've already got four of 'em. You cougar you.
Let's talk about your underdrawers. Do men like these little get-ups? Of course we do. If you are looking for a hook-up, then by all means, more photos of this get-up. But like I said before, I think there are websites dedicated to the more precise intent of adjudicating such thangs. If you use these photos on a standard dating website, guys aren't gonna see anything or read anything else. Again, just so you know. 
Ahh...the dating profile that is intermingled with other photos...photos that aren't of you. Guys don't care about your lens skills and your ability to post a montage of your holiday in Aruba. We are visual but we want to see you...not your vacation vistas. But this photo...this one...I had to include in our lesson. Don't think for one minute young lady, that we don't get the visual metaphor manifest in this clever little display. Turn on the gas logs, pop the bottle of Cold Duck. I'll be right over. Meow. 
What can I say here? This young filly probably found the love of her life within a day of posting this photo. Stinky Ledbetter, a retired rodeo clown saw this and it was love at first sight. 
The nice lady in the middle is the owner of said dating profile. She was back in Southie for a family reunion and posed with two of her eleven sibs for this little ditty. I'd suggest waiting till you get a little color before posing scantily clad. 
Ram Tough. I get it and I'm scared. On what do you want us to focus? I mean really? Listen, as soon as I'm done over at Miss Gas Log Fireplace's house, I'll scoot right over. And finally, I blackened out your licence plate number. Don't you know that everyone has a friend of a friend who works in law enforcement. I had your personal information within an hour after seeing this picture. Don't worry about giving me directions to your house for the bootie-call. I've already driven by your place five times.
Told you last time that the Charlie's Angels pose thang has been done and done and done.
Annie Hall meets the bare midriff thing. Nice actually.
And here's another stunning woman. More so at forty four years old. But here we go again...I've told you already...You can't post such stunning photos of yourself and then admonish in your dating profile headline such things as .... "I AM MORE THAN A HOT BODY...YOU NEED TO LOVE ME FOR MY MIND...MOVE ON IF ALL YOU WANT IS A HOOK UP!" ... Are you kidding me? The conflicting call out here is incredible. And guys are gonna default to every assumption you've admonished us not to make in your headline. Why do I waste my time trying to get you to understand this. I'll be right over after I finish up over at Ms. Dodge Ramtough's house. Meow.
Of course you don't use steroids. 
And neither do you. With your five year old pictures.
I'm confused. So I'm just gonna go with my initial assumption here. This is The Happy Hooker meets the Horchow Collection no? And lady, your thingamajiggers are about to hang out. You did realize this when you posted this picture right? And is your name really Sinsayshun?
Let's close out my lesson with this visual treat. She's "lookin' for someone to just hang out with." Five gets you ten that the fella she's currently swilling cool pops with...the guy in the picture...her on again off again brother/daddy/man/cousin/son is gonna be trouble for you. Something tells me your gonna have to fight him. More than once. Emotion trumps logic and this Mensa card carrying cat is gonna be flung a confusing array of emotions regarding you, "that new man that Tammy Lou has done took up with" and it ain't gonna be pretty. This one's a package deal and if you don't handle it just right, we'll see you on an episode of COPS...on location in Effingham S.C.

Onward. Just trying to help. Meow.



Gretchen said...

Oh, man. These are awful. But then again, I gave up on internet dating so I've got no right to diss them...

HHH said...

This is the funniest blog I've read in years! Bravo!

Scale Worm said...

The only responses I can think of ADG are Wow,
and Meow!
Crazy fun goodness!

Anonymous in Tampa said...

Hillarious.....over forty dating in the age of cyberspace can be a strange thing. I almost fell out of my chair with laughter. Bravo to your wit and intellect. Your posts of late have been amazing.

Anonymous said...

Ok the whole post was very funny but I fell outta the chair on your last line...."on location in Effingham, S.C."

Why the hell do you troll these dating sites, our Manly Mensa Mountain Lion ? Are you on a mission? You have demonstrated adherence to required missionary standards: regular attendance at zinc clad bar meetings, regular "hands-on personal prayer", regular study of the scriptures of scantily clad, adherence to the law of lonely chastity , adherence to the LPC Word of Wisdom, payment of tithing (this blog), spiritual passionate diligence to washboard ab regimen and testimony of the Goddess in all her forms. This is why you are searching through the tent sites and villages of the unwashed masses for companionship? Seems untoward not onward.

Anonymous said...

"lady, your thingamajiggers are about to hang out"

Her thingamajiggers have bigger problems than "out." I'd be waitin on the train too if mine were a different color than my skin and sittin upright on my waist.

Main Line Sportsman said...

Uncle Linc wants contact info for Halter-top Boob bunny.

Barima said...

So, if I post pictures of myself half nude on such sites, I should have quite the positive feedback, yes? I ask as my friends are encouraging me to sign up to a few or more

By the way, this fellow is humiliating himself on the blogosphere for our entertainment with his own dating-via-the-web experiences

Great post,


CeceliaMc said...

I read somewhere that there is an inverse proportion between a woman's happiness and how much skin she habitually exposes.

Looks right to me.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
T said...

"swilling cool pops" *snicker*
I'm guessing that's actually her son. Disturbing, no?

Suburban Princess said...

I'm surprise you didn't suggest cropping out the biker picking his nose in the background!

I met my husband online so I can attest to the types one can find there - fortunately there were lots of quality men to choose from as well.

Preppy 101 said...

LOVE this post. Your captions/advice have provided me with my daily laugh out loud moment - well moments really. Thanks! xoxo
P.S. I feel sure we can find some of these people on the Walmart Photo website . . .

Pigtown-Design said...

we gotta get you another scheduled outing at the OTA Giant again so you can check out the interested ones amongst your fans.

yoga teacher said...

I've been very wary bout internet dating. When I checked out the locally favored site I found many of my students, some of whom I know quite well. And let's just say that their profiles didn't quite match the people I know: "Politically middle-of-the-road?" "Light social drinker?" Really? Yoga must still be in because even the once-in-a-blue-chandra attendees are "dedicated practicioners!"
But, just in case I ever change my mind, thanks for your great advice.

Summer is a Verb said...

If I hadn't already been blinded by those orthopedic shoes, I'd be Google shopping canes fer sure now...XXOO Allie von SummersKeller

CeceliaMc said...

Not all women can afford to wear Prada, but we can all take the advice of the wise woman who runs the joint.


MP: Oh no, it’s terrible. Also the way of total and sure unhappiness. It’s what I say all the time to my girls in the office here: The more they dress for sex, the less they will have love or sex. These girls throw away so much energy in this search for beauty and sexiness. I think that the old rules were much more clever and better than the rules now. The trouble is, most people are not so generous. Everybody wants love for themselves. I hear this all the time from the women I work with. I hear them say, “I want, I want.” I never hear them saying what they want to give.

GQ: Do you tell them that?

MP: Yes, of course. They don’t listen. With women, the more unhappy they are, the more undressed they are. This is true. Dignity’s another very important part of this. Sex and the City is the opposite of dignity. You have to have dignity for your body—this is with men and women. You need to have dignity towards how you are, how you dress, how you behave. Very important. Men are always much more dignified than most women.

GQ: Why?

MP: Because women have the stress of being beautiful, of age and youth. Men don’t have all that. And with women, that stress causes a lot of mistakes and bad choices—a lot of not being their true self. You know, the older I get, the more I prefer to talk to old people. Old people or kids.


Amen, sister.

ilovelimegreen said...

Did you block out that cat's eyes or am I seeinng things?

old said...

Brilliant post, Dustin!

From my perspective, the images and copy comprising this post cast a new dimension on the title of my favorite Evelyn Waugh satire - The Decline and Fall.

I know that many of us are concerned about the protracted assault on decorum in the USA and elsewhere over the past twenty years or so.

Your images put a compelling "face" on that decline in a manner that is hauntingly similar to Matthew Brady's poignant photos of the masses of dead Confederates mouldering on the Gettysburg battlefield post Pickett's Charge.

Have to excuse myself and return to Ken Burns' The Civil War.

Anonymous said...

Sorry! Messed up my earlier comment ..... This is one of the funniest things I have ever read (along with Part 1)!! Thank you.....

Young Fogey said...

You have given us a peek into a scary world, my man. I feel sorry for these women. Not because they're single, but because they've degraded themselves, and in so doing, have moved themselves further away from happiness and fulfillment.

I know you keep saying you're permanently scared off of marriage--but what if you were to change your mind just a teeny tiny itsy bitsy little weeny bit? How about saying, "I probably won't get married again," or, "I'm really not interested in marriage," or, "it'd take an amazing woman to drag me to the altar again." Just open up the door a crack, youknowwhatImean?

'Cuz if you don't, you could end up as the male equivalent of one of these poor lost souls.

P.S.: Body-building females are really, really scary.

ADG said...

Main Liner....Uncle Linc gets nothing. He never hooked me up.

"through the tent sites and villages of the unwashed masses for companionship? Seems untoward not onward." ...I'm an anthropologist. It's research.

Reggie Darling said...

Howling with laughter!

Belle de Ville said...

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

JKG said...

Maxminimus: cruising cougars of the web so you don't have to.

Anonymous said...

"Something tells me your gonna have to fight him. More than once." I couldn't stop laughing.

Anonymous said...

Shocking, but when you consider the whole world has tattoos (except me and a few of my nearest and dearest and possibly you), I guess I should just take it in stride. Thanks Max. This was an eye opener.

ADG said...

"....and possibly you..." Sorry. but I'm inked.