Monday, February 13, 2012

Heirloom

Heirloom...I'm banning the word till further notice. With all do respect to the appropriately at present, out of season tomatoes; heirloom has jumped the shark...leastways as a sartorial adjective. The current use of heirloom by the sartorial-blogo-garmento children makes "artisanal" sound novel. Shut up.

Yes, I've let this one chap my ass. And it's got me feeling kinda mean. In a Billy Reid Alabama McNairy kinda way. It wouldn't take much to get me to pop. Disagree on the heirloom thang? Fine. Have mama bring you over to Old Town  Alexandria and we'll work it out. And when you wake up, that little heirloom artisanal heritage outfit you have on will be back in style. And surely mama can hand-wash your hand-made four hundred dollar Sandra Dee Big Cuffed blue jeans and get all of the ADG induced fear-poo out of the seat.

Come on. We're banging five-feet nine and a hundred and fifty eight (I'm three-heavy...it's February for God's sake) pounds over here. Meet me at one of the eleven Starbucks in Old Town and I'll beat you like a borrowed mule. You'll recognize me. I'll be the little guy. Wearing  Kilim slippers and Flusser challis print trews with cowboys on 'em. Stetson waving bucking bronco cowboys.

Onward.

80G2

12 comments:

ilovelimegreen said...

When I saw the red tomato, I thought this was your Valentine wish to your readers!

Giuseppe said...

I have an old Gilette safety razor in a rusty little metal box from the 1940s that belonged to my Nonno (grandfather). Now it's mine. That's an heirloom. An honest to God well'curated, authentic, vintage, heritage American heirloom.

It ain't a pair of $400 jeans that I wear every day and never wash, but its all I've got.

Reggie Darling said...

Funny, since when was "ripe" replaced with "heirloom?" Regardless of its heritage, I'd rather eat a ripe tomato than an heirloom one any day.

Young Fogey said...

You shore dew know how to make feller chuckle!

I think Giuseppe is with you on this one.

NCJack said...

What a well-curated, true Americana comment.

Scott Alexander said...

Hadn't really noticed the "heirloom" trend, though I'm seeing a lot of "classic". I'll be damned if the trad/prep/ivy/WASP f****** blogosphere even ruins "classic" for me. Ralph ruined "authentic" for me long ago and if "classic" goes with it, well... I better break out the thesaurus?

Yankee-Whisky-Papa said...

Amen! A rant, a threat, and a poop-joke all in one! Love it.

Anonymous said...

That ain't no Cherokee purple, bo. Since it's Valentine's Day, we might show a little love to the misguided and remind them that "old" ought to be older than the oldest person you see in the course of a week, not just older than you. (or your u-trou) Heck, LAW AND ORDER has episodes older than some of these consumers. And that reminds me- Sam Waterston was wearing a J Press style pocket flap shirt on the reruns recently. When did you last see one of those? Bean's used to be like that, too- in the pre authentic days of the late 20th century...

I was going bird shooting with my uncle in Williamsburg county- now THERE is some Authentic Americana Heritage Selvage Classic Artisanal Heirloom livin for you- but the weatherman has let us down. We are hoping for Friday.

Sumter Marion Berkeley Horry, but y'all can call me Bubba

Anonymous said...

Happy Valentine's Day you miserable bastard... I pity that poor tomahto

The Leopard said...

Heirloom? Seriously? What are they going to coopt next in the name of crap merchandising? Let me know when you have to open the can of whoopass, I'll bring the dueling pistols and act as your second.

Scale Worm said...

Heirloom is a real tomato, that I grew on my farm (Michigan) as a kid, and in now (WA) my backyard as an old fart, with tomato bug holes, burst skin from so much water and flavor (served on a hard crust bread, salt, pepper, butter and a big ole glass of water on a hot Joo-Ly day). That (dear friends) is Heirloom! (not some stupid lemming trade term schemed up by marketing idiots to puppet "indie" stupid fool kids).

...I need another drink...

btw, I gotta' share in a compliment last week from an indie kid student of mine, whilst I was a strollin' into lecture (8 minutes before start, Thank you)... "I want to dress like That Man!".

Scale Worm said...

Heirloom is a real tomato, that I grew on my farm (Michigan) as a kid, and in now (WA) my backyard as an old fart, with tomato bug holes, burst skin from so much water and flavor (served on a hard crust bread, salt, pepper, butter and a big ole glass of water on a hot Joo-Ly day). That (dear friends) is Heirloom! (not some stupid lemming trade term schemed up by marketing idiots to puppet "indie" stupid fool kids).

...I need another drink...

btw, I gotta' share in a compliment last week from an indie kid student of mine, whilst I was a strollin' into lecture (8 minutes before start, Thank you)... "I want to dress like That Man!".

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