Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Hoodies on a Cracker: Fashion and Violence

They've always stood for trouble. Hoods(ies) that is. I mean really. Come on people.
LFG wears one to school almost every day. Hers have come from the typical purveyors of urban-edgy gear. Retailers similar in repute to the tabooed small town head shops back in the sixties…arrogantly poised to commercialize with high margins—evil. Places like airport, resort or hotel gift shops that I frequent when I’m on the road. Audacious I know, but that’s how we roll. And if the Hood wasn't provocative enough, LFG is known to flaunt slogans on the front of hers that shout come-ons like… “Boca Raton Resort and Club” or “Montgomery County Soccer League”. I mean really—she’s just asking for it. And to add insult to injury, the child even wears a few in the irrefutable color of evil—black. Wear a black one and you need not worry about accelerating the inherent Hoodie-evil with a provocative slogan. Bring it on—the little girl in the black Hoodie will cut you. The darling no-gooder depicted above isn’t in a black Hoodie but please—don’t be lulled into thinking that the light colored Hoodie and the accompanying cloy colors are harmless. She’s obviously preparing a garrote for later use. I mean really. Come on people.
I would suggest that we also watch out for the next wave of sartorial venom...straw hats. What we have here is the same little girl, cloaked in woven-plaited sleight-of-hand. Seemingly harmless and frankly, rather cute in a kid wearing Crocs kind of way. But look at those little fists punching through the perimeter of her straw shroud-of-evil. Those are, sadly; fists of rage. I mean really. Come on people.
Not unlike the hijacked rebel flag back in my home state or the co-opted swastika of Nazi Germany, the original design, intent or dare I say, utilitarian functionality of the Hoodie is irrelevant. Eclipsed by the evil impregnated ever so thoroughly in Hoodies one and all. Buy a Lora Piana cashmere Hoodie…or a down-market synthetic velour one from Juicy Couture if you want. The endgame’s the same. Evil—you are. Hoodie should be synonymous with cavity search at will. I mean really. Come on people.
“Justice 04”“Justice 04” Are you kidding me? You ARE kidding me right? That’s gang-code and it spells trouble for some targeted subset of society. What’s troublesome here is that the code is deliberately unintelligible to non-gang people. Not only that, it’s done that way on purpose. Doggedly so. Really…I kid you not. Not this time. What you see here is an angel eating quiche. Rest assured though, that there will be some kind of “justice” rendered later, in surely a scornful and perverse way. “Justice” upon an unsuspecting group with a vague and through no doing of their own—connection to the numbers zero and four. Quiche for now—curtains for some unsuspecting “Justice 04” victim later. Wake up. I mean really. Come on people.
 Shocking also is the reality that this Hoodie…this ever so evil shroud…crosses all ethnic, religious and gender hurdles. Case in point above. Here we have what is commonly known as a Female Cracker keeping company with a culturally Jewish but decidedly mindful...Buddhist. If it had been me, I’d a cuffed that kid and pepper sprayed her right then and there—just to be sure that she didn't cut that Yiddish Dove sitting beside her. CAN YOU NOT SEE THE EVIL IN HER EYES? WAKE UP AMERICA.  I mean really. Come on people.
And finally, I’ll rest my case with this example. One that quite frankly, breaks my heart more completely than the saga of Cracker Girl. What have we here? A display of outfits formerly worn by one of the most revered dandies of our time. The examples run the gamut…representing how the wearer once characterized himself—style wise. “I’m something of a cross between the Duke of Windsor and the Duke of Ellington.”  That’s all well and good but please, let’s not overlook the Hoodie getup on display. The subtle—other than its color—presence is proof positive of the Jekyll-Hyde nature of those who wear the Hood. Don’t trust ‘em for a minute. I mean really. Come on people.
This one shows us that the evil of the Hood…the pernicious nature of the subtle vines of animosity…also meander their way into the hearts and minds of those in their dotage. Who would have thought that Richard Merkin…one of my iconic heroes…my Beacon of Fuzzy Flâneurship…would also don a mere eighteen months before his passing—the Hood of Hate. Additionally disturbing is the fact that even in his decline, he was precise in how he focused his malice. What we have here is a Brooklyn born Jew…a collector of kitsch and torch carrier for such dichotomous things he so loved…Old New York and Coney Island…directing his venom with  laser sharp focus—on the Mexicans. Merkin was about six feet-three. Those from south of the border are generally a foot shorter than, in this case, their predator. As much as I loved him, I would have tasered his ass right then and there. Cuffs and Cavity thereafter.  I mean really. Come on people.

Onward. Hoodless.


ilovelimegreen said...

I am happy to say that I do not own a hoody and have no plans of acquiring one. The last one I owned was in 1976. I won't say how old I was then.

The Leopard said...

When I was a kid people used to call thugs and juvenile delinquents hoods, will this term be making a comeback? But of course this term was a derivative of hoodlum not what they were wearing. I personally do not feel threatened by people in hoodies, as a matter of fact I have seen several cross to the other side of the street when I have my Lily Pulitzer GTH pants on. I think people should only fear tacky clothing, like the Jersey Shore look.

CeceliaMc said...

I'm about as much of a Geraldo Rivera fan as Kurt Vonnegut was, but I do think Rivera was bemoaning certain stereotypes as much as he was attempting to be pragmatic in warning parents about them.

I doubt any cracker will ever risk their life by wearing a tank top and acid washed jeans, but lord knows no one here would have a moment's reluctance in admitting that they took one look at said cracker and had his IQ and character stereotyped, along with five generations of his antecedents.

Again, our cracker friend isn't risking his life by his attire, and goodness knows he might well be a hell of a lot better off by our keeping him at a social distance.

I doubt we're much better for it though, and I know we don't show ourselves to any better than anyone or anything by so readily owning up to and prizing that bit of pigeonholing.

Brohammas said...

I just had to replace the hood of my car today and come to think of it, that car is in fact, evil.
You may be on to something here.

NCJack said...

I've noticed an amazing outbreak of gangsta thuggism college campuses...damn' near ALL the little criminals are in hoodies with their gang logos RIGHT ON THEM...does Homeland Security have a close watch on the "Amhersts", or the "Bowdoins"?

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

ADG ~ Little Southern twerps like you are scared of black savages, which is why you need to "make nice" to them and suppress the Whites (such as moi) who are not.

Here we go:

Do you want LFG to date/marry/breed with a black?

That's the question you need to ask yourself.

CeceliaMc said...

I suspect most parents want their children to "marry/breed with" an honorable, interesting, industrious, and tender human being, who loves their offspring (almost) as much as they love them.

There's isn't an over-abundance of that type of person, but they do come in all colors and nationalities.

ADG said...

LimeGreenLover…I’m having a Savile Row tailor make a couple of linen ones for me. They should be available in about a month.

Leopardmom…shocking I know—but my little blog post was an attempt to be facetious. I wished that I’d remembered that slang abbreviation for hoodlum. I’d a woven or is it weaved…it into my yarn…damn I’m full of puns this morning. The hoodie reminds me of a surgeon’s scalpel. If an evil surgeon cuts out the wrong kidney—we generally don’t fear scalpels as a result.

CeceliaMc…As usual, you are spot on. I’m on the record somewhere in a blog story or two about my practice—regardless of my primal-visceral reaction to someone and their tattoos/piercings—of offering them the benefit of the doubt just as I’d prefer that they do for me. That said however, I am not ignorant of statistics and probabilities and likelihoods.

I am also not ignorant of the differences between causation and correlation and the absurd goat rodeo of quasi-ersatz statistical posturing. You know—the kind of math one abuses to support their flawed position. The gypsies (but only those of PURE Armenian descent) male homosexuals, Miniature Schnauzer owners and NASCAR devotees are all notorious for abusing statistics to drive home their racist and xenophobic views. The "numbers" bear this out. And finally, I don’t think that at present, our society is much “better” on any front than in previous times.

Brohammas…Oh, there’s no doubt that I’m on to “something”…and it surprises me not, that you of all people had to replace your car hood. You—being Mormon and all.

NCJackieCracker…The Amhersts and Bowdoins, at least currently, are in the clear. Only because Homeland Security, with their limited resources, is focusing on Chi Omegas and Kappa Sigs right now. Spring Break—the Greek Thugs run rampant.

Laguna Beach Fogey-EarlRayDeLaBeckwith…Finally,you offer something that I am willing to post. A personal attack on me that eclipses your usual hackneyed go at Negroes. I am “Southern”—no secret there. I am “little”. At 5’9” and 155 pounds, I tend to agree with your attribution. And I’m ok with the “twerp” attribution as well. Evidence for that moniker could include that I cry, but not in public, at least two or three times a month. Surely, that alone attenuates all evidence that I might otherwise muster to gird my possession of a Man Card. Thankfully I do not own a cat. Otherwise you could just flat out skip the niceties of “twerp” and just call me a _ussy.

And finally, Do I want LFG to “date/marry/breed with a black?” … Sure I do. I think mixed race babies are beautiful.

CeceliaMc said...

Because of the influence of what is now "conventional wisdom", I used to think that rationality could be ascertained by an inverse proportionality between my cracker's gut reaction to a situation as compared to reality in general.

I'm old now. I trust myself more, and I realize that any impulse I have to cross the street when approaching certain strangers, is one that I should heed regardless of the disapproval it could engender in an MSNBC anchor.

GP said...

Ah, that was great fun. Good stuff. Hoodies... Is there no place for them in Uhmericah? Didn't S. Stallone sport a hoodie in the film "Rocky" --running about Philadelphia (the City of Brotherly Love. Try that today!

Suburban Princess said...

This whole situation just makes me ill. Great post! If only crazies with guns would now read it to see how ridiculous they are!

Young Fogey said...

No one called Jesse Jackson a racist when he made this remark:

“There is nothing more painful to me at this stage in my life than to walk down the street and hear footsteps and start thinking about robbery—then look around and see somebody white and feel relieved.”

In any case, I'm with CeceliaMc. Not acting on your gut instincts can get you hurt.

Anonymous said...

I'm a long time reader from SC and a man of the Order. I really enjoy your blog, it is part of my morning coffee routine. I've learned a lot from this little blog, in fact this very weekend,I told my fiancee that I even admired you; in hind site, an odd thing to say about the author of an online journal whom I've never met. That being said, I've found your last two posts to be disappointing.

I wasn't going to comment but I feel compelled to do so -- you are blatantly pandering to the lowest common denominator, that is white guilt, race baiting, and media sensationalism.

Simply stated, your ignorance is showing. The gross hyperbole of this post missed the mark; you sir, are not Jonathan Swift. This is not a laughing matter, our country is about to bust at the seams and anyone who participates in the circus is not helping. Perhaps you have lived in that modern day Piraeus for too long. I recently clerked in DC for several summers during school, it is the most unreal town on earth, a monument to all things false. Please do not delude yourself into thinking that ignoring the racial divide in this country grants you some sort of moral high ground. When you do so, you are ignoring the worst in all men (both black and white). Ignorance is, at a minimum culturally destructive and at its worst can be deadly.

As a "fan," I'm asking you to return to your old posts about fuzzy diced loafers, toy soldiers, and good music. If I wanted politically correct drivel I would watch TV instead.

ADG said...

AnonymousOrderSandlapper...thanks for enjoying my blog and thanks for your comments. Further, I am acutely aware that I'm no Jonathan Swift--that's why I keep a day job. I'm fine with you calling my sarcasm "pandering" and I fully accept your assertion that I'm ignorant. There's ignorance and vitriol aplenty on every side of the highly charged issues of race and class in America. It's never been worse.

As for living inside the Beltway too long? Perhaps. But I'm on the record, more than once, having declared that I left a profession that in my last role, required me to pander and boot-lick agencies, legislators and regulators on behalf of industry. Something that your chosen profession, in its highest call, of course would never do. I know how I feel when I'm aware of my pandering and obsequious nature. I walked away from a 13 year career that remained on a superb trajectory when I could no longer escape that feeling. Interestingly, I felt none of that when I uploaded this latest non-Swiftian drivel to my blog.

Oh and one more thing. You said ... "it is the most unreal town on earth, a monument to all things false"...Obviously you've never spent any time in Hollywood or Brentwood. Or Malibu for that matter. Simply stated, your ignorance is showing.

Now for some loafers-socks-soldiers.