Wednesday, September 5, 2012

ADG: The Battenkill Poseur or Stick it Tumi

“Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Travel Kit...Again": Battenkill luggage is for the sportsman. If you're not toting a double-gun or a fly rod with it then you're posing. And even then, you're missing the boat because Simms makes a better product for that purpose. For business travel, Tumi is the road warrior's choice because it's well designed and indestructible.”
Well thanks for the update, Sporty Road Warrior. You’ve called me out and put me right where I belong…in poseur land. It’s interesting that neither Hulme nor Orvis have a vetting process in place to assure that their goods go exclusively to the double-gun/fly rod toting crowd. Perhaps Simms, your choice for such things, runs a tighter commercial ship than the cats who source me my stuff.
And Tumi? It is virtually indestructible. So much so that I understand they offer refunds, replacements and guarantees that are second to none. I wouldn’t know first-hand because I wouldn’t be caught dead with a piece of Tumi luggage. Then again, what do I know? It seems that all of your information and rules-customs would only be known to those high falutin’ Sportsmen and Road Warrior cliques. Perhaps I’ll be less ignorant of Road Warrior choices when I become one. Maybe when I become a real business traveler, the Tumi Troops will recruit me. How many nights out per year must one have to avoid Tumi poseur-essence?
Tumi is durable and it also reeks…of your gold bracelet and your Acme Distributors President’s Club ring…Mr. Eleven Time Winner with the cubic zirconia surrounding the fake center stone…one zirconia per win. I also get a waft of Tiger Eye pinky ring—when of course, you aren’t wearing your President’s Club ring. Even you know when to not over-overdo it. Tumi boy. I understand that other colors are now offered in addition to the standard Tumi black. It makes no difference to me. The Tumi taint is irreparably seared into my psyche. In black...Nylon noir. Shut up.
Tumi is the spandex biking short of luggage. Functional and ugly as shit. Tumi says Hilton Honors Points bragger and Airline VIP boarding preener—with a holster for your Blackberry. And Dockers…size 40x29…riding a tad high in the back…tucking just a bit into your ass-crack cul de sac while diving rapidly south in front…to accommodate your Tumi boy belly. The midnight buffet on the eleven President’s Club Carnival Cruise to Nowhere Award Trips has always been just too much for you and your wife  to resist. “And the old lady loves it too” you’ve been known to declare. You call your wife “the old lady.” Classy, you. Just like your Tumi. 
So here’s to you, Sporty Road Warrior…Tumi boy with a timeshare at Wildwood Crest…inappropriate business conversation on the phone haver while sitting on the tarmac. We’ve all loved listening to your only-you-know-what-they-mean company acronym laden too loud phone conversations while standing behind you and your Tumi(s), trying to get to our seat. Congratulations on getting the exclusive supplier contract for Sam’s Club and Costco. Everyone on the plane now knows about it. Something tells me that you, the old lady and your Tumi(s) are headed for President’s Club number twelve.

Onward. Tumescently.
ADG II…Poseur


Anonymous said...

Thank God you started blogging again. That was priceless. For those of us who have a Millionaire's club ring buried in a box that we will never wear, I say thank you.

Yankee-Whisky-Papa said...

I actually do fly-fish all over the country dozens of times per year, and I don't even have Orvis luggage. I still use LL Bean for the fly rods, the gear, the everything else, including my oh-so-precious suits and clothing.

Simms stuff is nice but it is all WAY too expensive, and I should know because I have been forced to purchase their stuff in several pinches where my gear landed at a different airport but the guide was already paid for and picking me up before dawn.

For a few years, Zero/Halliburton would send me luggage and briefcases for nothing... it was the strangest and coolest thing. We still have a nice collection of them in storage.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Max baby, darling, will you marry me? LOOK at all the vocabulary words you illustrated taking out that shill and his sorry goods. Mrs. Anderson, please don't hurt nothin rolling over like that.



Anonymous said...

Funniest f*cking thing I've read in a long time. Well done!

Golf Tango Hotel said...

Rolling on the floor at your best.

Anonymous said...


Littoral Dave

Anonymous said...

That was astounding. My housekeeper must have thought I was having a seizure laughing. And not every day does one read a post that ends with "Tumescently" .... a nice touch for that special, final insult. You're right - that stuff does look ugly.
Best -
- Mike
P.S. - And all the better because you are from my home state.

Anonymous said...

You just made Bill Brasky cry.

Paul in NoVa

Anonymous said...

As someone who has no dog in this fight, but would absolutely be unable to afford anything fancier than Tumi - ouch.

DocP said...

Another vote for LL Bean. I do have an Orvis laptop bag.

gentleman mac said...

Wow; this even made Roy look up from the bubbles and say "dayam!"

Main Line Sportsman said...

Please step away from the open can of whoop-ass.

Anonymous said...

So sardonic.

A finely honed, unmistakable trait of all true preps. Way to represent!


Pigtown*Design said...

Don't pinky-ringing dudes usually call their spouse, "the wife"? i think that is so insulting.

ADG said...

Ok...I gotta come clean. I've always disliked Tumi stuff. But I used to work with a quintessential prick who had freakin' Tumi everything. I can't see a piece of it without also seeing that suck up corporate turd in tandem. And of course, the rest of my story reflects a composite of all the knuckleheads I fly with every week. Being a road warrior and all.

Damn. I just wrote another blog story. Obviously I've still got some bad juju that needs to get out.

Namaste and evvything, yall.

maven said...

True story - my daughter (age 12) flew on a private jet with a friend to a popular summer island in a plane with several people who's names you would recognize. I gave her my nice set of Hartmann luggage for the trip. She said that she was later a bit embarrassed because one of the other guests kept making a big deal about her "better than ours" luggage. Lesson learned? The real muckity mucks don't do swag. (Not that I think that Hartmann is really swag, but it was perhaps a bit too new at the time.) Anyway, I'm buying cheap nylon luggage from now on.

Cubanchem said...

As someone who inherited a set of Tumi luggage I can assure the original question askerer, it is not indestructible in the least nor will it last a lifetime. I don't now how many zipper pulls I have had to repair or wheels replaced in the last 4 or 5 years and I only travel 3 or 4 times a year! As soon as I have the cheddar to get real luggage, I will. I now regret getting rid of my Land's End luggage I got for my 18th birthday 20 years ago. I assure you it's better than the Tumi crap I have now. Word.

Anonymous said...

I have just one Tumi bag. I keep my ratchets and sockets in it. It just seemed like the thing to do.

The Tuomey Horse Pistol is a whole different bag of worms, ain't it?

Your cussin cousin

Anonymous Texan said...

Right on ADG, been rolling with the Hulme Large Classic Duffle, Halliburton Pullman, & Hartmann for 30 years. Yep, they got the patina.
Tumi, reminds me of a weapons grade case of vaginitis usually carried by a J. Crew/AF metrosexual hybrid.Only purchase from Simms was a pair of waders & they are good. Teal season opens in 9 days. Enuff said.

Thad said...

Great! Can your next screed be on wheelie cases? While large bags with wheels are understandable, do people really need a briefcase on wheels? Are they so weak that they cannot carry a few papers?


RHW said...

Bravo maestro! Just yesterday I received another piece of Filson luggage (medium travel bag) to add to my growing collection.

Here's a question for you ADG...mix colors of the Filson or even Orvis luggage, or stick with a single color. I have some tan Filson luggage already, and my new travel piece is otter green...


The Leopard said...

Being a long time devotee of King Ranch luggage I need to know one thing, when will the Tumi people come after me? Should I head downtown to the Alamo and make my last stand against the Tumi people rolling toward me like the tastefully challenged people that they are. Will I first see the shine of their blend clothing reflecting in the sun or hear the scuffling of their Rocksport sensible shoes to know they are coming? Or will Kevin McCarthy come banging on my door to let me know that the invasion of the good taste snatchers has started? Please let me know the suspense is killing me.

Patsy said...

I care nothing for luggage debates, but I thank you for bringing the funny!

Anonymous said...

You flat nailed it. That Tumi luggage is uglier than a mud fence. Any self respecting Southener would not be caught dead toting that hideosity, indestructible or not.

Personally, I don't care if you hunt or fish, I came from a family of Sigmachi deer killers, so I married a KA who does neither. And if he carried that UGLY Tumi luggage, I would refuse to travel with him. You just keep on keeping on, brother knight.


Marianne said...

In the spirit of my brother in his teen years: Burn, Sporty Road Warrier, Burn.

ADG said...

It always amazes me … the topics that get y’all charged up and going versus others that don’t yield much of a reaction! I reckon I’ve just gotten rusty at the more ethereal, metaphorical, pseudo-erudite stories. Plus I no longer include LFG in the mix so that’s really an issue I suppose.
But y’all are cracking me up with this Tumi thing. I’m pleased that it touches the same nerve with many of you as it does for me.

Ok…some other reactions to your comments…

Hartmann? My old company used to give us a piece of either belting leather or tan nylon Hartmann at our twice yearly management summit. I loved it and used it till it fell apart. Good stuff…and it looks good too.

Maven…thanks for reminding me that “muckety-mucks don’t do swag.” I enjoyed your story.

Lands End/L.L. Bean…for those of you who mentioned these makers…I still have my Land’s End duffel from college and I use tons of Bean zippered canvas stuff. It’s good.

Thad…I went through a phase about 20 years ago where I wanted wheels on everything. Including my wallet.

“…weapons grade case of vaginitis…” Anon Tex…do you mind if I use that? Classic.

On mixing colors…RHW, I reckon there’s nothing wrong with it. But I kinda like sticking with my standard green color for all my bags.

Leopard…the Tumi Troops won’t have on sensible Rockports, silly. They’ll be wearing some kind of Georgio Brutini bo bo shoe. But the glare from their zirconia and bracelets will provide you fair warning.

Tuomey Horse Pistol…just make sure they don’t send you to Tuomey Hospital in Sumter if you get shot.

Anonymous said...


We were all around in the late 60s, weren't we?

Anonymous said...

I think the Tumi lover was trying to say that it's unpretentious precisely because it's ugly and functional. But who here cares about unpretentious? Not me. I carry an ancient, much-loved Vuitton duffel with a couple of travel stickers and my initials painted on it. I'm sure it would make lovers of ballistic nylon explode with rage.

Anonymous said...

Oh mercy, this is my new favorite blog!My neighbor, the one with the white Mercedes E350 and unvented black jackets? Yeah, that guy. You know him, he likes to play Sinatra too loudly on Sunday mornings just to class up the neighborhood. Anyway, HE has Tumi luggage. And no, no condo downashore at Wildwood Crest although he appreciates it ( the beaches are really wide there he says, and besides, no beach fee), he prefers the Borgata. They love him there and he ALWAYS wins. Doug in Philadelphia

Young Fogey said...

I've been looking for a wheeled case, with extensor handle, for my iPod. Does Tumi make one?

Anonymous said...

Years back, when I showed up at the airport, with my Lark carry on, which by-the-way had managed to survive business trips to five continents, my then boss looked down disapprovingly at my old suitcase, and bragged about his indestructable Tumi. Well, when we arrived back in Houston from a trip to Moscow, his case was conveyed into baggage claim crushed, with the sides burst open. Damn! It looked like KLM's 747 had run over it. I decided then that it is folly to spend a lot on luggage that you are going to check for long-haul, international trips. When you are standing around jet-lagged at the airport baggage carousel, wanting to get to the hotel or home as fast as you can, who the hell cares about impressing someone with expensive luggage? Target and TJ Maxx have served me well ever since.

Summer is a Verb said...

Um, thank youuuu...I thought I was the only one who didn't get the whole Tumi thing. Tumi and Longenburger baskets. Another mystery I never cracked...XXOO