Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Big News—I’m Getting Married Again!!

You people are beyond gullible. I’m about as far from remarriage as possible. Not saying never but I think I can declare unequivocally that if I ever try it again, there won’t be a third thereafter. Shut up. 

What rang humorously true to me last night was the evidence of my (contented by the way) aloneness. Casa Minimus is appropriately transformed and fortified in advance of each LFG visit but otherwise, the evidence is overwhelming that I live here alone and that as sole possessor of the deed, I’m frequently an absentee owner, taking residence in various hotels across the country.
I just noticed these last night. January 6, 2009 and July 2, 2009…these soldiers have been dead for a long time…certain casualties of one-night salad stands.  Fleeting and temporal condiments destined for single event contributions to pathetic culinary preambles, making way for, sooner than later, more confident evening intrigues. Kinda like if Sun Tzu bumped into Julia Child at a cookout over at Kama Sutra’s house. Yep. Like that.

Onward. Thankful that the Cold Duck doesn’t expire.
ADG, II

28 comments:

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

Oh hell, I sometimes use the same dressing. I know how it is ol' chum (I think).

Scott said...

Life is life. I've got stuff like that in my fridge, and I AM married.

Scott

NCJack said...

Here at Chez Floyd, July 09 is known as "the new stuff".

Main Line Sportsman said...

Bottled dressing.....eeeeewwwwww....

Preppy 101 said...

OH yes. This is familiar. The amount of food that I throw away is RIDIC. xoxo

sle said...

Thanks for the reminder to check the dates on the items in my fridge!

Anonymous said...

NCJack? Hilarious.

My son is a *date* and a processed food Nazi. Always reading labels. I would have a lot of things in my fridge if I were not quaking in fear of my son's unannounced weekend raids. "Jeezus Mom. Do NOT buy beef that is not grass fed. You KNOW this!" "When did you buy this? Look at the label." "Did you notice the sodium content in this?". "Mom. Do not eat so much cheese, milk, etc. *dairy* is not good". "Mom. The date on this hoisin sauce is Dec. ' 08." (Bottle rinsed out and in the recycling bin) He is on the "Paleolithic diet". Hunter and gatherer food only. He works out. Sucks down protein drinks. He is doing Global Economics. Is any of this related? All I want is the freedom to have my occasional vodka, potato chips, domestic caviar and creme fraiche. Do I ask too much? I have to hide food like I used to hide pot from my folks. I am living the virtual "Soylent Green". Except that in place of a secret stash of limp celery in the exclusive cooler, I am hiding bacon, blue cheese and walnuts. Something's gotta give.

Richard M said...

Remarriage=The triumph of hope over experience.

Silk Regimental said...

Geeesh - twelve ladies along the east coast passed out on the headlines of this post alone! I ran to the mailbox to see if my invitation was there.

ilovelimegreen said...

Julia Child at a cookout Kama Sutra's house has the potential for a steamier sequel to "The Seducer's Cookbook"...

Anonymous English Female said...

NC Jack - LOL!
ADG- having no sense of smell or taste and having suffered too many bouts of food poisoning as result, I'm paranoid about dates on food. In fact my fridge contains little more than a bottle of champagne, a few rolls of 35mm film stock and a yoghurt bought yesterday. Re-marriage? You should come with a health warning.

Kathie Truitt said...

OMG! I can't believe that strange sensation that just zapped through me for a split second...an emotion I didn't think I was capable of....jealousy? Me? Scary. Don't do that again.

Kathie

(muttering to myself: "Where in the heck did THAT come from?" as I try to collect myself)

Turling said...

They have expiration dates?

Anonymous said...

anon 1:48 - I hear you, I have two teenage girls (bad enough) that have been indoctrinated by the public school system (really annoying)and routinely lecture me about the food I make. I personally am an 'all things in moderation gal' which I tried to bestow on my children but between regular angst about fitting into 'skinny' jeans (why do they worry? They take after their father and are sizes 0 and 1 for Pete's sake!) and the numerous school assemblies about fat intake (do they not realize you need some fat? If for no other reason than it makes your skin look so much better) I still get lectures and groans. Sometimes I cannot wait for the college years....
ADG - I regularily have to check my fridge doors for condiments gone bad. Like the apricot-pineapple preserves I bought for some random recipe off of food network that I used one cup of and then the jar was left to languish in the door shelf for way too long.... The little one will only eat strawberry preserves on her toast.

SouthernProletariat said...

And here I was happy for you...I am the eternal optimist.

With the amount of preservatives in that crap, you are probably ok. Just sayin...

Patsy said...

I used nasal spray from 2005 the other day with no short-term ill effects.

I think of the expiration date as more of a guideline than a rule. My stepson lived in fear that we would try to sneak some expired food past him, which of course we always did. "How old is this?" was a constant dinner refrain in our house.

Young Fogey said...

Didn't some famous guy say sumpin' like, "whatever don't kill ya, makes ya stronger"?

Eat the expired food!

And to those who have to deal with Food Nazi children? Be the adult! Tell them to shut up and sit down and eat what they're given, and do it gratefully.

For the mother of the Global Economics-indoctrinated son: put a padlock on your fridge.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Kathie. I, too, felt a twinge of jealousy. Please, don't do that again!

Anonymous said...

Young Fogey,
Don't worry, I tell my children all the time that I am not a restaurant. They eat what I make or they go hungry. I was just commiserating because I do know what it is like to be lectured by the children. Teenagers! they do know everything, don't they?

ADG said...

Anon/Fogey and Others...My mom cooked one meal at a time and we were all expected to eat it or else. There was never any discussion regarding choice and it was all good. And good for you. We always at at the table and never could we have a snack or drink of any kind in the family room and God forbid in the living room.

AnonNaziParent...cracking me up with the hide the vodka and other goodies.

NCJack...Chez Floyd....Remember Chez Whitey from In Living Color?

Scott...shame...shame...

LagunaTrad/Fogey .... damn, if I'd known, I'd have emailed you those two bottles before throwing them away.

Jealous girls....y'all are all talk. But so am I.

Patsy...I use out of date meds all the time. No worry there. I'd even use out of date salad dressing but my outside number for comfort would be sixty days. It's one thing to have Afrin or NyQuil slightly under performing due to attenuated efficacy post expiry. It's quite another to be hurling spew from gastric consequences. TMI...I know...TMI.

SouthernProle...I agree. That's how I rationalize street vendor and ball park hot dogs. Preservatives...you'll live forever.

AnonPreserves....funny...LFG has now decided that she doesn't like the jelly that we made with my mom last visit down there. And it's the best batch I think we've ever had.

Kathie....settle down there missy.

Turling....just pretend that you didn't read anything about expiration.

AnonEngFem...I AM a damn health warning. "Am a damn" ...that rhymes.

LimeGreenGal...I'm all talk. The idea of co-mingling food and foolin' around has never appealed to me.

SilkReggiePaulSorrento...12 might have passed out but I can say unequivocally that there are 3 each for those 12 who'd like to kill me.

SLE...you are welcome. That's what this blog is all about. Food safety...under the guise of positing wisdom about socks.

Preppy101...my worst offense is bananas. I like them but I swear if I bought one half of one banana, it would go bad before I could eat it.

MainLiner...don't play that purist snob stuff with me. There was a time in your life when you...... So there.

ADG said...

NCJack...Chez Floyd...Reminds me of Chez Whitey from In Living Color years ago.

Scott...I would not have admitted that.

Laguna...I've probably got some other expired stuff if you want it.

NCJack said...

Anon. English Fem. I also have my last few rolls of Velvia, and some 120 Tri-X in the freezer.

ADG said...

NCJack....y'all are talking code now.

Scale Worm said...

My philosophy is: what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger (after the stomach pump and antibiotics).
All kidding aside, with all of the preservatives in us (by now) and in our foods, what do we have to worry about? Great post, and follow-ups!

Gretchen said...

OOOH! You had me there and I'm sheepishly admitting I was peeved enough by the headline delivered to my inbox that I had to wait until after dinner to read all about the lucky lady. Only to find that you are more persnickety than I am about throwing out foodstuffs. Of course, this is coming from someone with such poor olfactory skills that I have to ask the kids if something's gone bad (and when the youngest kid was in nappies, I had to ask her older sister if she smelled like she needed a fresh one, or just grab the kid, pull open the back of her pants and do a quick visual. To this day she says she's afraid I'm going to pants her). Now, off to check the expiry dates on 3/4 of the stuff on the fridge door...

Lisa said...

Re: ‘We always at at the table and never could we have a snack or drink of any kind in the family room and God forbid in the living room.

Everything in your statement so completely describes my upbringing especially the part about no snack or drink in the living room. That part of my childhood came back to haunt my mom when I got married. Mom and dad didn't get to meet the man of my dreams until 6 days before the wedding they were planning/paying for. My then-fiancé loved his morning cup(s)of coffee and wandered into the living room with his morning brew. I came unglued and said 'you can't be in here with that, mom won't let you!' She was so embarrassed when she heard me and said that of course he could stay in the living room with the hot brown liquid that could make a spot on the pristine furniture/carpet and she glared at me. I’m thinkin’ “huh? since when did the rules change?”. I was only allowed in the living room to practice the piano and he gets to bring in possible staining materials!

Lisa said...

PS, Glad you're not getting married :p

Anonymous English Female said...

ADG - don't worry, I understood NC Jack perfectly. (We were't talking to you anyway.)NCJ - call me if your freezer breaks down...

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