Monday, December 13, 2010

Beef Roll Loafers: A Protracted Discourse

It’s wrong on every level. A nerd shoe in the truest sense. Richie Cunningham just standing there…trembling…waiting for Fonzie to commence an ass whipping.
A pox on the sleek simplicity of the original Norwegian peasant shoe.
A bilateral elongated goiter. A Remora clinging to the side of the mother ship. And it’s plain wrong.
And for the love of whatever. This Allen Edmonds Aberration looks like Richie Cunningham and Don Johnson wanted a love child and used Paula Poundstone as a surrogate.
If you have Beef Rolls in your closet, I want them out of your house and at Goodwill by Friday.

Onward. Ain’t no Beef Rolls here.
ADG, II

27 comments:

NCJack said...

Hmmmm...this from a man who wears cuffs on suitcoats, Belgians, and green loafers. Sounds like the pot calling the kettle fuschia.

I'll wear my beefrolls with aplomb and panache, and with, WITH, by Gadfrey, 1 1/2" cuffs!

A pox on your chaw of Red Man, sirrah.

Anonymous said...

ADG,

You are back in good graces. I have never understood the beefroll loafer and I am glad someone else dislikes them as much as I do.

G

David V said...

If you get rid of the blue shoes first.
Otherwise...PRBFT!

ADG said...

NC Jack...Aplomb and Panache are manifestations that won't show up, under any circumstance, for a Beef Rolled event. And your references to my proclivities are exampled by elegant exhibits that just chuckle when told they are reconciled against...the "Roll"

AnonG....damn. Glad to know that I'm back.

David V...you keep Beef Rolling and I'll keep wearing the blues.

November said...

I must agree rather strongly with your statments about shoes with the unnatural and offending appendages.

However, perhaps if they were worn with the appropriate Black Fleece outfit and the proper fez...

James said...

"Paula Poundstone as a surrogate" , You , my good man are a hoot. I just think of beef rolls as a child's shoe for some reason, so to me they just don't look good on a grown-up. Great on a kid though.

David said...

Yes, on all accounts. I agree with James, they're best on small children attending weddings or church.

yoga teacher said...

I'm feeling very fortunate that I work with the bare footed. Except for a few of them, whose feet are as gross as that lardy-looking thing at the bottom.

CeceliaMc said...

You are so right! The only thing that basketweave pattern is tolerable in is a belt. Even then, it can look like you're wearing your craft project from the psych ward.

I love my old black penny loafers that make my feet look like I'm wearing snow shoes.

So thrillingly butch!

\

ADG said...

CeceliaMc...I can sense the thrill you get from wearing your old pennies...I kind of feel the same way...but different, when I wear Belgians.

YogaSensei...I dated a woman a few years ago who was a stunner. Butcept she had a gnarly, and I mean gnarly hammer-toe bunion going on. It scared me. I made her keep one shoe on.

James...I ain't no hoot. Even though I am wearing my Bohemian Club tie today.

November...I laughed out loud at you. Brilliant.

Young Fogey said...

I don't care for penny loafers of any variety--and yet--and yet--I have a pair I wear frequently.

During my most recent trip home, my father generously bestowed upon me his no-longer-wanted pair of American-made, burgundy-colored, beef roll-less Bass penny loafers. I love their color and their made-in-American-ness, so I make do and wear 'em anyway.

And bunions are deal-breakers. Fortunately, my wife's svelte feet are defect-free.

How many more phrases can I hyphen-ify?

Lisa said...

eyes glazed over on this one - they're stayin' in the closet. :p and for good measure, i think I'll wear them tomorrow.

LPC said...

But I do like a nice pork roast. Tenderloin or otherwise. OK? Approved?

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

It is a well-known fact that those who denounce beefroll-loaferism are usually secret beefrollers themselves. Come out of the closet, ol' chum.

Main Line Sportsman said...

Me thinks thou dost protest too much.
I have a pair from L.L. Bean that are older than I can remember and are great with jeans(hemmed not frayed) and beat up khakis...guess I am flirting with nerd-like tendencies in ADG jurisdiction.
Now, those "rattan" kicks are right out....

ADG said...

LagunaTraFogey...you got me.

LPC...I'm with you Prunella.

Lisa...you wear 'em and I'm sending the Beef Roll Police.

Fogey...hyphen-ify on brother.

Scott said...

I love reading blogs containing emphatic opinions that I also harbor (aka "the truth"). Keep it up,sir.

Scott

Dutch Uncle said...

Believe it or not, there are those of us who prefer the finished, sturdy look of beefroll loafers' stitching

I've always thought that the non-beefroll delicate stitching of Weejuns made them look like girls' shoes.

Flo said...

"A bilateral elongated goiter. A Remora clinging to the side of the mother ship."

Will you marry me?

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

ADG ~ Of course. I know a beefhole when I see one.

ADG said...

MainLiner...You can wear 'em. Just not down here.

Flo...I'm snakebit for (re) marriage. You can adopt me though.

Dutch Uncle...that finished sturdy look, I'm sure, goes well with Carhart jeans!

Scott...I don't know no other way.

Lisa said...

Beef Roll Police beats the Butt police anyday so I 'meat' your beef-roll threat head-on.

ADG said...

Laguna...keep it clean(ish) bossman...this entire thread is getting dicey. Reason enough to let another post out of its lair.

Lisa...don't trifle with me. It's too close to Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Fonzie???

James Dean wore beefroll penny loafers. Check the second picture on this blog (not mine).

http://paulwaltersonstyle.blogspot.com/2009/11/penny-for-your-thoughts.html

I think that Fonzie was wearing green cordovan Belgians when he jumped the shark though :) We kid because we love.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Dutch Uncle on this one. The beefroll, to me, looks sturdy, unpretentious, and handmade. It strikes me as function over form. The smooth kind look a little too metro-sexual.

On the other hand, I've never owned a pair of Belgians (though I admire the horses), worn an ascot, or wrecked a BMW, so I probably have no idea what I'm talking about.

ADG said...

James Dean...aint' the Dean of loafers...he did wear Jack Purcells though.

Anon...you ain't lived till you wrecked while pressing the pedal to the floor of a BMW with a right footed Belgian while auto asphyxiating your damn self by tugging on an ascot

Anonymous said...

ADG, I carefully read your 12/15/10 comment: then Cherry Coke Zero spewed out my nose and on to the keyboard. You, sir, shall be hearing from my attorneys!

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