Thursday, January 27, 2011

Bad Kiltie Bad Kiltie

You can have these damn kiltie shoes. Recent circumstances ‘round them have pert near kilt me. If anyone out there is an 8-D …that is an EIGHT-DELTA…come and get these bad juju kicks from around me. I slept last night; for the first time since flying at least three times per month over the last fifteen years, on the hard-ass indoor/outdoor carpeting of the baggage claim area at Charlotte Douglas Airport. That’s right. I slept on the ground with no covers and no pillow and…and… and let me just stop right here because I’m already lying. I didn’t sleep. I dozed and napped. Intermittent flirtations with REM while worrying that someone was gonna come along and try to steal my shoes or abscond with my idamnPhone and my Earth Wind and Fire Tapes. 
I’m tired today and I’m also still reeling from being throwed out into the wilds of Charlotte North Carolina by U.S. Airways. A hotel you say? Oh no. By the time my connection rolled in from San Antonio, enough flights to DC and beyond had already been cancelled to assure that there was no room…none…Z-E-R-O room at the inn for little ADG. My best childhood buddy lives in Charlotte but it was too late in the night to roust him and disturb his family. Folks, I don’t “camp” well.
Couldn’t get no hooch. All the whiskey holes were shut so I just found a corner and tried to get situated. Ever tried turning on your side to snooze when your carcass is one eighth of an inch away from concrete? That floor was harder than ninety dollars worth of jaw breakers. And for a fleeting moment I thought I’d found a sanctuary. You see that area beyond my feet? Where that gray paint bucket sits? That’s a dark and safe and warm area under the escalator. So why I am not curled up back in there you axk? Because I got chased back out of it by a grizzly bear when I scooched back in there to take a look. (I know I've overused the word "back" in the previous sentences. Don't mess with me. I'm tired today and you don't want none of what's festering over here) Somebody beat me to it. And people I kid you not, it was a woman who was about as big and about as courteous as Rosanne Barr. Butcept this grizzly had gray hair…to match her paint bucket. And don't EVEN post a comment asking me why I didn't take off my camel hair coat and make a nice, soft pillow for my head. That concrete was chilly. 
So I gave up on the sideways curled up option and just stretched out supinely for my butt bone fellowship with concrete. I've got very little body fat butt last evening I'd a not minded a bit more. I mean, what good are washboard abs when you are flanked by Roseanne Barr and cold-ass concrete. Give me four layers of belly fat and a Stoli. Up-Dry-Olives.
I dozed for a while and when I opened my eyes I hollered a little bit. An albino Shrek looking kid…head shaved naked mole rat noggin looking fella was at my feet. I learned later that there were other United States Marine kids around my perimeter. They too had been displaced. The onliest difference though, is that Marines can sleep standing on their heads. Are you kidding me? Indoors on industrial grade carpeted concrete? That’s the WaldamndorfAstoria to those fellas.

So I jumped the seven a.m. flight to DCA and have been back in snowy Alexandria all day…feeling kinda like I rode a concrete red-eye home last night. I blame the shoes. I blame the shoes.
Ok, time to stretch my soleus’ (solei?) and then loofah. I’ve got a non-LFG weekend coming up. I sure wish it was warm enough to pop the collar on a white shirt and enjoy some sun. LFG started popping collars at six months old. Dig her little collar and her high and tight Marine haircut. One comment about her high waisted soccer mom jeans and I'll hunt you down and kill you.


And finally...check out my favorite new weather gal Megan McGlover as she expounds on the recent snow in Atlanta and how her fellow citizens dealt.

Onward. In flannel. Don’t be stupid.

ADG II

35 comments:

vir beātum said...

I so feel your pain. Only mine is older. The humiliation eases. And I kept my shoes.
beingmanly: gallows humour
VB

SouthernProletariat said...

At least the marines would have protected you from the escalator lady. Use your carryon for a pillow, best I can offer from experience. Glad you made it home safely

Main Line Sportsman said...

All I can offer is: Man that musta sucked.

Scott said...

Glad you made it home, Hoss. Take a drink and a nap, and you'll be aw-ight.

I'm gonna send that weather report to my mama-in-law in the A-T-L.

Scott

Suburban Princess said...

There are all kinds of bloggers who would've taken you in! Next time just put up the bat signal.

There are inflatable pillows on the market...might be time to pick one up to toss in your carryon.

Summer is a Verb said...

Ummm, are those regulation "2 inch" cuffies? From this vantage point, I do believe they fall short. Time to eat sum mohore concreet soldyah! XXOO Sgt. von Summersnob

Gretchen said...

what a crappy way to spend the night. Thanks to my banking days I've got an axe about Charlotte that now i'll be even more pleased to grind. Scary elevator beasts give a whole new meaning to the monster under the bed fright. Few Stolis with some blue cheese-stuffed olives oughta make the world a bit better...

LPC said...

How markedly unpleasant. Been there done that except I was younger and it was Newark. Or Paris. I don't remember. Sleeping on concrete makes those two places equal.

T said...

Yeah, but you probably were the best-dressed squatter in that den of weird sleeplessness, so at least there's that.

Alack, I wear 43-44 or 10D.

ilovelimegreen said...

I think I would rather have spent an almost sleepless night on a thinly-carpeted concrete floor (and just how did you concoct the phrase "Harder than ninety dollars worth of Jawbreakers" - absolutely brilliant!) than endure the horrifying storm that graced the Washington metropolitan area with its presence last evening. Regardless of that, welcome home.

(Love those polka dot socks!!!)

Preppy 101 said...

ADG - Narrative/Descriptive Essay - A+

Flo said...

LFG, oh that face, she does make it seem like it's all gonna be alright, doesn't she? She really does. But not this weekend, cause this weekend Max is gonna tuck in tight and start his O'Hara total immersion program, in passive mode -- Butterfield 8, From The Terrace, what else.....mmmmmmm

Anonymous said...

The complaining is a bit ,unmanly.

Mrs. Blandings said...

I was stuck in Charlotte once and thought they had the nicest rocking chairs. I remember spending some time in one while the college boys two rockers over checked their beer bong endlessly for flaws. So sorry your stay was less amusing.

By the way, I have sent Mr. Blandings your way and he is a humongous fan.

Young Fogey said...

I don't envy you all your travel for work--what a royal pain. Hope you are recovering. At least they pay you well enough to keep you in your preferred level of fuzziness.

With Jarheads sleeping around you, you were safer than the gold in Fort Knox--but you knew that.

ADG said...

FogeyoftheYoung....Indeed the Jarheads would keep the perimeter safe.

Mrs. Blandings...thanks re Mr. Blandings and indeed...the rocking chair are still there but that area was closed off for the night.

AnonymousUnmanly...so is posting comments anonymously. Or just cowardly in general if you are a woman. Or again, unmanly if you are a carpet nibbler.

Flo...took a quick break from O'Hara to read Pat Conroy's Reading Life...great!

Preppy101...thanks! Can a skip the next book report?

LimeGreenie...I think both elements were equally undesirable.

T...I must agree. However, it ain't somethin' to get too proud about I suppose.

LPC...equal...equal indeed.

Gretchen...the thing about bleu cheese stuffed olives is that you have to eat them soon or they cloud up your drink. Tough duty huh?

AllieVonKnowItAll...listen here young lady...those ARE two inch cuffs and I'll prove it. Any more skepticism from Camp Alice and you can expect calipers your way poste haste.

Suburban...that's kinda risky.

Scott...the A-T-L gal is off the hook funny.

MainLiner...it did.

Suburban...I did.

vir...thanks. I added you to the blog roll.

Scale Worm said...

That was the funniest post EVER (and done in fine idamnphone photojournalistic style to boot!).
I am so sorry for your concrete-and airport carpet lack-of-sleep-athon, and those blasted shoes. They are cursed sir! Might I suggest that rather than passing the bad juju powers on to some poor soon to be well footy appointed (unsuspecting) person that you have a midnight burning of them, doused first with some Stoli to appease the gods of well crafted libations.
Welcome home, stay warm, and I'll toast to your good fortune this evening on your surviving a run in with that mean ole' mama bear!

Patsy said...

Eeewwww, I'd get that coat drycleaned.

Hope you don't need any buttsalve.

Gretchen said...

True about noshing the olives...or drink faster. Looks like more flakes are out, and snowing again, too. Enjoy your non-LFG wkend as best as possible. I recommend a trip to the Paper Source on King to buy a new journal. I found one at our local shop last wkend thanks to your inspiration and have reentered Mental Ponderdom!

Easy and Elegant Life said...

Which is why I always pack an airplane bottle of hooch in the luggage... Still allowed isn't it?

Glad to hear that you made it back safely. Spike a cuppa and head back to bed.

ADG said...

UPDATE....Oh Happy Day...amazing what 8 hours of sleep and a hot shower/shave can do for one's disposition. Couple that with LFG's school cancelling another schoolday and I've got my favorite "temporary V.P. of Operations" with me today. The BEST salve in the world for a road weary fella is the company of his daughter.

Eleganto...you can't take more than 3 ounces of anything on the plane and all of your 3 ounce bottles must fit in one quart sized clear bag so no...my flasks sit at home useless.

Gretchen...LFG and I had breakfast....late and leisurely...at Le Madelaine and then walked over to Books a Million in the snow and bought me 3 Moleskines for my work journal needs. Ponderdom....ponderous...ponderosa...pondgolden...pondcoldcream...I'm ponded out.

Patsy....trust me baby, everything thing I had on...non-stop for 36 hours is already at the cleaners.

Scale...thanks. I think I just need to burn the whole damn house down and start over.

TWJ said...

ADG,
Don't burn dem damn shoes...I have plenty of close associates that would gladly provide a mailing address for them. Besides, I also have a nice voodoo woman that lives just in the other county that can remove all mojo's.

I learned a long time ago that a scout is always prepared, even if that means getting in touch with the nice voodoo woman…
TWJ

ADG said...

TWJ....is the voodoo woman's name Miss Rudolph?

http://www.hark.com/clips/tdqnqyjnzg-ms-rudolph

elseinwmsb said...

Sure wish we had a weather girl like Megan McGlover. I usually use the weather to put me to sleep at night. Have a fun and happy weekend

yoga teacher said...

I was all set to reminisce about nights on the floor in the Tokyo airport and in a tram stop outside Centraal Station in Amsterdam, but stopped to check out Megan's report. Can't top that. Ever.

Glad you are safely snuggled in with LFG.

Britt Sudduth said...

Dude...that sucks! But I believe someone has already posted, you must have been the best dressed squatter in the house! I'm surprised nobody tried to lift the kilties while you snoozed. Weekend is here!

Britt

Anonymous said...

It's not unmanly to leave anon comments, just common sense. It is unmanly to whine, unless the goal is to get sympathy from the DC area soccer mom contingent.

ADG said...

elseinwmsb...I've watched every Megan clip on youtube...she's a crack up.

yoga...at least in Amsterdam you coulda gotten all kinds of hooch.

anonwhinercritic...ok, ok, you got me. i'll stop.

NCJack said...

Next time you're stuck at CLT, give me a call, you can crash at my place...oh, wait, my bachelor place really isn't fit for human habitation, and I'm not locatable by any info service...never mind

TWJ said...

Oh, have you been to see Ms. Rudolph? In Suffolk or rather Isle of White County she lives in a purple house. Some around here call her the purple lady.

TWJ

CeceliaMc said...

Did that child get any of her mother's DNA at all?

Your genes must be like the little lead soldier. They took no prisoners and made no concessions.

ADG said...

NCJAckmon...It was too late to call anyone and then be back at the airport by 530am.

TWJ...everywhere...there's a Ms. Rdulph.

Cecelia..yes indeed she did. She was spit from me till about 4 years old and now she's more mommy than daddy. It's all good.

Gerard said...

ADG,

All I can say is -- I looked at those shoes and I thought, this man won't wear black shoes? Burn them and it will release you from the spell that you are under. Don't you remember the Brady Bunch episode where they returned the idol? Dude, those shoes should not be worn by anyone who has not recently sang in a band that had a hit song which had four letters in it and which is most often sung at cheesy weddings.

Young Fogey said...

After that description by Gerard, I now want those kiltastic shoes even more!

But only if ADG refuses them.

The Sosje said...

love the shoes

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