Saturday, November 9, 2013

Bo-Bos and Woo-Woos

Since I still can’t seem to muster enough energy to write my usual drivel and since I’ve essentially retired from storytelling but just haven’t announced it, I figured I’d throw some half-ass stuff up on my blog before just giving it up totally.

So why not post emails that after writing them I think… “Hell, that’s a little blog story novella right damn there”. So here you go. I just sent this email to a pal of mine and figured that as opposed to nothing, I’d share this version of nothing with y’all. Oh…and my personal emails are even less grammatically correct than my blog stories. So there. Even with all of my grammar and syntaxicalated shortcomings, I still write better than most of you. People. Shut up. I'm mean right now.
“Ok. You started it…the whole thing of talking about private parts and stuff. I dated a woman a few years ago who (and I totally agree with her) went absolutely spastic over the new age trend of teaching little people…3 years old and older…the exact scientific/clinical names for private parts.

Her neighbor had a little four year old girl who would come up when my friend was walking her very tall foxhound and put both hands on her little knees, (not the dog’s knees, dumbass) lean under Sophie the foxhound and ask to see her…  “buh-gina”. Maybe it’s a Southern thing—but then again not…since my gal pal was originally from Ithaca N.Y.—but there ain’t nothing cute about a tender little young’un saying words like scrotum and vulva.

Call it juvenile or backwards or stupid but the onliest thing I EVER heard my paternal grandmother say…and it was sparingly…maybe three times in my little lifetime…to characterize boy-bits was “tallywhacker” and one of those times it was when she threatened to cut my grandfather’s off. And I taught my nephews when they were little fellas…both of whom are now grown-ish young men in their twenties…one a two tours of Afghanistan Marine veteran…the other a shoe designer in NYC…to refer to theirs as a “bo-bo”. And to this day they both still refer to it as such. Can you imagine? And think about the different journeys those two bo-bos have been on thus far.  I prefer the foibles of grown men being infantile about how they refer to their thangs as opposed to little people getting an A-plus for calling their junk by the terms doctors use.  

Ok, your Georgia O’Keefe thang got me going. I think her paintings are redundant as hell and yes, they do kinda look anatomically like a woman’s “woo-woo”. Sorry to have written a half-ass treatise on weenie names. Oh and here’s a little O’Keefe trivia for you. Before Stieglitz and New Mexico, she lived in Columbia South Carolina for one year and taught at the private college for girls… Columbia College. She hated it.

Ok…time to get movin’. I bet little “meth-mouth” man just grins his ass off while y’all are calling him that…like… “whatch’yall laughin’ so hard at? I’m happier than a hog in slop…I’m fed…my bottom’s dry…and I’ve got one hand on my bo-bo”



Anonymous said...

"I’ve essentially retired from storytelling' Nooooo! The world is a better place with stories from the Incomparable Max. If you do retire, would you at least consider leaving the blog up for a while? I have yet to exhaust your terrific archives.
Douglas Webber

Anonymous said...


Holy smoke Max! Carry me BACK!

My uncle married a lady from Augusta I think it was. He was fresh from an unsuccessful wartime marriage, as was she, yet she came with 2 small sons. This lady she was chaste and upright as the day is long, but had no problem talking about tallywhackers.

She'd issue a warning to her boys: "Be careful don't git your tallywhacker caught in the zipper." She, describing: "His pants were so tight you could see his tallywhacker." Admonishing: "Make sure you put a raincoat on your tallywhacker if you're going to be out too late." Speck Augusta is on somekinda latitude with your grandparents in SC, gotta be.

Max. More of this kind of greatness. Dead on. This is marvelous. Thank you.

Wait one more thing Max, do you think this jacket would fit me? I'm 5'6" ht, and 120 lbs wt. I LOVE this jacket for roaring around, will it fit me?

-your greatest old lady fan

Kay said...

The blogesphere would be poorer without you. Please don't shut up/down forever.

ADG said...

Settle down everyone. I'm not gonna have some epic departure shutdown thang. I just don't have much time to write anymore. The current stories will remain up on the blog.

LPC said...


And that's all I'm going to comment on:).

ilovelimegreen said...

ADG does Georgia O'Keefe...should we fear what is next?

Scale Worm said...

She may repeat her imagery, but I do love Georgia's works and uses of color.

"Woo Woo" and "Tallywacker" are new terms for me.

I'm a northern blue collar sourced guy and those terms are pretty much inoffensive to anyone.

I hope all is well with you in yer new digs Max. I know I haven't posted squat on my site (for a bit) and I am so appreciative of you when you do here.

Best to you and yer young'un!

p.s. If you ever do git out here to Seattle give a holler.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious -- thanks, Max.

I was never allowed to say much in regards to anatomical correctness and have grown accustomed to the universality of the term 'tee-tee'.

All my best,

Anonymous said...

My parents always used the most clinical terms imaginable out of I assume was a New England WASP distaste for even the thought of genitalia, let alone a nickname that would allow one to speak humorously or casually about said genitalia. I will never forget asking my mom how babies get made. "A man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina." Discussion over. It sounded awful and highly implausible at the time.

Anonymous said...

I miss my Southern friends. I've been in the Northeast for a long time, and this post just struck a chord. My parents didn't refer to private parts by name. Ever. I was a strange girl who couldn't say "penis" out loud until I gave birth to a boy. I also didn't say the word "fart" until I was in my thirties and even now it is so distasteful to me.

Your blog is an oddity, in a good way. Your written voice takes me back to places, faces, and memories that I love.

Gail, in northern California said...

My husband always referred to my bum as his "Che-Che's". I loved the term and hearing him say it was the best.

Gail, in northern California said...

I wanted to add, Max, that just the mere fact that this post of yours, a post you consider irrelevant, could conjure up such an incredible memory for me is more meaningful than you could possibly know.

CeceliaMc said...

My husband speaks of such things in the most genteel manner.

He refers to that bit of anatomy using the French term "pousay".

Anonymous said...

Puhleeze don't stop writing! I'll take it whenever you feel like dishin' it out! We appreciate you!!

Anonymous said...

I've been reading here for quite a while, you've left before and returned, you've gotten tired out and returned, you've dried up and returned, you've begged off and returned, I believe in your cycles so just keep on keeping on and we'll be here holding on til you return, but is the AAW 38R jacket going to fit me or not?


ADG said...

FLO...NO...the jacket will not fit you. Too big all the way 'round. Shoulders will be too wide and the length will be way off and...well,

Anonymous said...

Thanks Max, dammittall.


Anonymous said...

I have enjoyed your blog for many years and wanted to say thank you. This entry really threw me back several years ago on a flight from New York to Santa Fe where a woman (a NYer by accent) had a small daughter who was yelling out loud that her older brother was hitting her in her vagina. The mother told her to hit him in his testicles - all this very loud so everyone on the plane had to hear. Maybe by giving children the permission to use these names also gives them permission to use them as they would a word like knee or arm, without the filters that are needed between what is polite and what is not. I've been in the service so I'm not sheltered from language but it didn't seem right to have to listen to children using these terms.

Kathie Truitt said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!