Thursday, April 1, 2010

Bad Pussy…

…Cat.
I suspect that this kind of travesty is bound to occur when you allow a cat to do the drawing in a raffle. Folks I’ve been robbed-I’ve been wronged-I’ve been cheated. Not yet sure specifically how the machinations were handled to assure that I didn’t win-but rest assured-when a crafty puss like Pilgie is running the show-the sky’s the limit regarding behind the scenes antics.

Don’t get me wrong. There are SOME kitties that LFG and I like. Puss’n Boots from Shrek is a fave and...
LFG declared that the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland 3-ADG was her favorite character in the latest iteration of the Lewis Carroll classic. 
Tom and Jerry was a fave of mine when I was little and I can’t imagine Tom perpetuating any kind of scam.

So Pilgie, you can pass some 411 on over to your mommy. You know that I’ve always felt like she was my sister…the kind of sister that you fight like cats (sorry) and dogs with while riding in the back of the station wagon on vaycay. The kind of sister that you mess with…aggravate the shitake out of for sport but then would fight to the death to defend her if anyone else dared mess her up in any way-knowing that she would do the same for you. Well my feline felon, you can just tell Ms. Alice Baby Summersverb that I am no longer speaking to her. The fact that I’ve never spoken to her in my life is beside the damn point here. Shut up-stop purring with satisfaction you little operator you. If she was my real sister I’d have nipped this in the bud from the get-go. I’d a just done the same thing that I did with my sis years ago…”I’m telling mama” screamed at the top of my lungs usually mitigated such things back then.
Where’s my advocate in this travesty? 
Dreyfus had Emile Zola
I feel as resigned as Dreyfus looks in the Vanity Fair print of him.
Pilgie is the Major Esterhazy in this boondoggle. 
Mandela had scores of devotes watching his back…even though it took them a while to get him out of the pokie. 
Rosa Parks in her refusal to accept an almost equal level of injustice to what I’m in the midst of fostered an entire damn movement. I mean sh_t folks, you people need to march …march…march on wherever that Allie girl is currently shacking up. She’s hiding and it’s a damn good thing.

Ok, I know you are wondering how I’ve been hoaxed. By the way, where I’m from we pronounce that word hoe-as in garden hoe and axe…you know…the implement that Paul Bunyan used to chop down trees. Where  is Paul’s ass when I need him to chop down the injustice manifest here? The Summer is a Scam…I mean Summer is a Verb scavenger hunt con needs to be chopped down-deconstructed and exposed. I smell Ponzi-Madoff –butcept this one has four paws.
AllievonSummersverb had a scavenger hunt contest thang. One of the gifts for the male winner was the Wiley Brothers Hoof Pick belt. After realizing the opportunity to own my second Wiley Brothers belt, I was on that contest like a rat on a damn Cheeto. 
Far and away the best Christmas present of 2009 was my Wiley belt. I wear it all the time and only abandoned it briefly the other day for my Flusser green gator waist pageantry.  I’d already decided on the palomino tan version of the belt and had been “mentally wearing it” for the last week. 
It should be mine for no other reason than I want it. Who else puts the Hoof Pick to as much use as me?
Then I get the news that I didn’t win-even though we know that I HAD to win and was predestined to win and should win and deserved to win. 
The initial photo evidence that Pilgie made the pick without influence might be acceptable to most observers but not to LFG. She's more undone over this than me. "I'm gonna make this right daddy"...out of the mouths of babes.
After doing a bit of snooping around, LFG came up with an additional photo that fully supports that fact that I DID win. Who would blame Pilgie for wearing shades when on the cusp of a shady switcheroo. And by the way Pilgie, I can't believe that your mama would let you wear those non-RayBan airport kiosk $8.99 disco aviators. Your new name around here-other than Bad Puss is....Ersatz Kat.
Now I’m not a man of violence. I learned after Bruce P. whipped my ass in the fourth grade that my best approach to dealing with issues of getting people to comply involves delegation, deception and diplomacy. So let me say that it won’t be me that exacts physical manifestations of justice in this situation. 
Don’t be surprised however-that if my Wiley Brothers belt doesn’t arrive at Casa Minimus within the next week-“things” can happen.

Sulkingly. ADG

P.S. .... In lieu of all y'all chipping in to buy me the belt that was stolt from me...just drop off a little sumpin over here.

20 comments:

Pigtown-Design said...

you're a star!

James said...

I was behind you 100% I was beating the drums sounding assembly! Rally to the cause! Another case of our male brothers being held back by THE MAN errrr THE WO-MAN! Then ya went and put a black eye on that lovely face, oh ADG how could you?
Now I'm torn between knowingly being drawn in by a pretty face and the overwhelming urge to be loyal to a downtrodden male!

Summer is a Verb said...

LMAO!!! Can NOT wait to forward to Babe. And, I am faaar from offended over the purple eye. In fact I'm thinking of stopping by Casa Minimus prior to my next shindig and allowing LFG to do my makeup. Pilgie, on the other hand, has now entered the witness protection program and rumor has it he is sporting a stache somewhere in Miami and spends his days playing chess in the park and nights frequenting salsa establishments...XXOO

ilovelimegreen said...

I would like to publicly go on record that, in my attempts to win the Allie’s Scavenger Hunt, I attempted to bribe Pilgie but he (by way of Allie) declined a date with a VERY attractive and sophisticated female Himalayan cat. If my attempted bribe was unsuccessful, I can’t imagine what else would have swayed Pilgie. As far as I am aware, the Scavenger Hunt was not a crooked operation. I tried to corrupt Pilgie and came away unsuccessful

Toad said...

I like what you did to the cat. she had it coming.

Taunting you with the opportunity to win, then robbed at the last minute. How dare she.

At least Babe didn't win

Patsy said...

Cat-in-a-jar cracks me up every time!

And, um, not fair that the lovely Ms. SummerVerb still looks good with a black eye!

Mrs. G said...

OMG, I have never read a more masterful rant. LMAO. You and Alice VonSummersverb crack me up. The blog show down of the year!

Easy and Elegant Life said...

Thanks pal. It takes a big man to think of others when he has been done so wrong....

PILGIE FAN CLUB said...

This ain't about no belt - we all know your sartorial-beltloop-adornment-pagentralia laid end to end would stretch to the moon and back, and that wouldn't be anything to do with your waist size. You're just jealous Pilgie is the hottest chick-magnet on the internet and has more pulling power in his prefectly groomed whiskers than you do in a whole wardrobe's worth of Flusser/Ralph/Jermyn St ensembles... Go on, admit it.

Preppy 101 said...

I absolutely love this post! You are so clever and only an English teacher can appreciate and love all your allusions! What better way to make a point. The famous photo "Cat in Jar" could be reproduced and sold. Hence, Maxminimus gets his belt!

DAG said...

What a great end to the day.

I'm guessing Pilgie is actually in Mexico and looks more like this now.

http://bestiarumvocabulum.wordpress.com/2009/04/01/hairless-cat-nothing-but-pink-parts/

DAG

ilovelimegreen said...

PILGIE FAN CLUB suspiciously sounds like ADG. Who else would use alia-suffixed words with such flair? Or else it is a very good mimic.

ADG said...

MegTown...I'm a star...without my damn belt!

James...I didn't do the black eye thing...my "people" did.

SummersVerb...We will track both of you down. Mister Doctor Baby better hurry back home.

LimeGreenGirl...Pilgie may not like females.

Toad...I'da felt better if Babe did win.

Patsy..whose side are you on?

Mrs.G. ...won't be a showdown. I'm not wasting my time.

Elegantologister...I take pride in being the metaphor representing the trials and burdens of others.

PilgieFanClub...you got me.

Preppy101...I've given up on the belt.

DAG...he can run but he can't hide.

Laguna Beach Trad said...

In the first photo, is that a live pussy under glass, or stuffed? Like many people, my relationship with cats has been fraught with difficulties, including unrequited affection, laboratory experiments gone awry, and restraining orders. But in recent years I have made my peace with them.

ADG said...

LagunaTradMan...With all due respect-you are either delusional or lying for sport. "They" are not to be made peace with and you know it. Stuffed or live...it's irrelevant-they are crafty, cunning and smarter than all of us. They control 100% of some things and at least 62.5% of everything else meaningful and relevant in the world. They hold the proverbial "high ground"...unequivocally. Picture Napoleon...brilliant strategist by day-whimpering sycophant to Josephine by night.

Ian from Downunder said...

I'm not unhappy living in Melbourne, however, I do envy you folks in the USA when it comes to the range and quality of ready-made trad clothing from places like Brooks Bros, the Andover Shop and Ben Silver et al. I am also envious of your DC address; a city we fell in love with during our tour in January. All the very best.
Ian from Downunder

In The Littoral said...

This definately ranks among your top five posts! Your rant reminds me of the little boy who took my sister's ball. When asked why he took it he said, "I told myself it was mine."

All the best to you and the lovely LFG.

Summer is a Verb said...

Still laughing! Annnd now I have that excuse to order the Ray Ban Outdoorsman II Avaitors in white I've been eying up. Those knockoffs LFG put on the Pilge hit too close to home...XXOO

ADG said...

Ian...let me know what you need. I'll send you a care package.

Littoral..."I told myself it was mine"....classic.

Kold_Kadavr_flatliner, sub/dude said...

God blessa youse -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

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