Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Pollock Heritage Artisanal Repurposed Trouser

The cura-sartorialists are at it again. But this time they’ve recruited stylonista LFG for a re-interpretative project sure to rival the much lauded December 2010 LLVDH. That’s LFG above. Replete with McNairy-Muytjens black plastic Angst Eyewear.
"Daddy, if I’m gonna work with these guys, you are gonna have to work with ME. Rumination is the name of this game daddy and I can’t seem to get my knock rip-off groove on without these glasses. Now help me roll my shirt sleeves and britches legs up so that they look inordinately skimpy and ergo (yes daddy…ergo) sillier than you've ever kitted out. And then daddy, tell me what rumination is and teach me how to do it.”
Regarding the need for a creative cohort led by LFG…“The other guys might wanna spin some angst shrouded story about why we sought out LFG but the reason is quite simple. We were out of adjectives, man. And you can only re-re-re-interpretate stuff so many times before the dunning drives you crazy” declared Darnell Burgess, spokesperson for collaborists McNairy, Browne and Muytjens. “We were also out of money” chimed Muytjens while Mark “Knock-Off” McNairy simply brooded for a moment before defensively spittling…“Look, we ran out of a lotta sh_t. Repurposed artisanal derivative work will burn lesser men out in eight-ninths the time it took for this uber team to crash. Now reduce that fraction smartass. We needed new ideas, adjectives and a few pairs of worn out khakis.”
So the pentagonal gang put their heads together and declared that khakis, paint, Pollock, and an eye-gouging price point would rule the creative day. McNairy again…“Why not? Uncle Ralph had paint splattered khakis for sale in his Madison Avenue Mansion for a couple hundred bucks a throw some time back. With our collective genius, LFG’s paint and her daddy’s khakis, this thing has to carry a thousand dollar-a-pair MSRP. After we finish the prototype, we’ll send it over to Lesserfourthworldia and have kids half LFG’s age crank these babies out like sausage. Oh, and we'll make sure they use lead-based paints. Artisanal, heirloom, lead-based paints. And we’ll have a special little woodblock vintage tag hanging off the pants declaring so.”
And where’s the Jackson Pollock tie-in? Burgess on Pollock…“He was creative and crazy, man. Like us.” “And he was so cool that he even smoked cigarettes” offered Muytjens.
So after a frenzied paint slinging go at LFG’s daddy’s khakis…executed in the LFG-Pollock inspired bedroom at daddy’s house, a PHART wafted. The Pollock Heritage Artisanal Repurposed Trouser prototype was born.
This from Burgess…“We can’t thank LFG enough…for everything. Even McNairy cracked a smile her way between pastel pigmentated slops and drops.” “Ok, ok, so she helped a little bit. But we would have broken through this constipationary creative drought at some point” pouted a paint-weary McNairy.
The PHART remains outdoors at present. Curing and wafting its pastel Pollockness in preparation for next steps. If the "lifestyle inclusion-premarketing gullibility test" goes as well for these babies as it did for the LLVDH, you too can apply for PHART ownership…at a thousand bucks a go.
Onward. Splattered. And wishing it was still Spring Break.

ADG, II        


Silk Regimental said...

I'll take a pair in 36x32 - LFG could put Lilly P to shame with this creation.

Anonymous said...

What, no link to the Stones' SHATTERED? No Clyde McPhatter? Love 'em...

cousin willie

Anonymous said...

PHART- that's funny.

ilovelimegreen said...

This post is just fabulous. Please please please do more like this. Pretty please with sugar and spice?

ADG said...

LimeGreener....we ain't got no more paint. Sorry.


WillieBob....Come on man! Days a hundred links in that post already. My creativity has limits.

Silk Reggie....we'll make you a pair.

Easy and Elegant Life said...

Brilliant. But I wish you hadn't preƫmpted my paint-spattered Topsiders post.

The frightening thing is, I bet some intern has just tagged this to show the CD for next summer's Vintage GTH collection.

ilovelimegreen said...

ADG, you take me WAY too literally. I'm not requesting more paint-spattering but more marketing spoofs like this gem. Doesn't the "pretty please" help at all?

Yankee-Whisky-Papa said...

The designs are as any good PHART should be... loud and splashy. It is easy to see why children like J.Pollock, but why adults ever gave him a second glance is beyond me.

SouthernProletariat said...

Lost your blogging mojo? Pshaw! I think not!

Anonymous said...


Mrs. Blandings said...

One of my favorite posts ever.

LPC said...

Tell LFG I like her shirt:).

ADG said...

LPC...Prunella, I'll pass it along to her tomorrow night at the school chorus event. are so easily pleased these days.

AnonAwesome...things must be slow where you are.'s more of a time allocation thang than a mojo deficit issue.

YWP...yep, the more LFG and I splash around the colors, the more I see how Pollockesque we all can be.

LimeGreen...I don't have TIME .... that's what I'm tryin to tell you. you got me thinking. About splattering some shoes. Maybe my EG Monks.

CeceliaMc said...

Well, it's not cool to wear these works of art right out their chic shopping bag.

They've got to be run over a washboard sprayed with turpentine, and then run over by a Volvo, so no one can tell that they're new.

Or you can use Goop-off.

Pigtown-Design said...

ohhhh.... bring'em up next time ya come, and i'll drive in circles around the stupid statue at the train station and run'em over with my volvo.

Anonymous said...

I'm just saying...

I'll bet even McNairy's mama doesn't have THAT many pictures of him.

Votre autre cousang,

Guy deMainabouche

ADG said... you pronounce it "Geye" like "eye" or "Gee" like GEEse?

MegTown...sounds like a plan butcept I better not wear them while you do the running over thang.

Cecelia...Goop-off makes them look TOO artisnal and heritage-ated.

Anonymous said...

ADG, it is to be said "Ghee." Like Guido, only without the W or the O. Rhymes with twee, as in "what kind of twee would you be?" Any telemarketer can tell you that. How do they say your name, AYDEEJEE? AHDEEJEE?

I look forward to seeing those britches being worn in a public place. How about a shot of you and LFG this weekend out in front of the Georgetown outpost of J Crew or the nearest RL superstore? Or the Social Safeway, with a baguette sticking out of the sack. Andrew Jackson says he wants to see, too. But please, no matching shoes.

Artisanally yourn,
G deM

Anonymous said...

More French from the deep south: Max, as a rack on tour you are without peer, your repper tore never ceases to amaze, and your daughter is so darn adorable.

Anonymous said...

Of interest :*$%26%25_Is_Jackson_Pollock%3F

I'm looking forward to wearing the shirt.


ADG said...

Hilton...hang in there man. and Mrs. Cusack, my high school French teacher.

G deM...It's pronounced "eighty-gee" ...and who knows, we might do a painted pants photo this weekend. We'll see.